The hell?

So we went to Rome for the weekend. It was fantastic. We stayed at this kick-ass apartment for less than most hotels. Two bedrooms, living, dining, full kitchen (w/ all her plates etc)... it was very nice. We ate great pizza, saw beautiful fountains, strolled through gardens, went to the zoo... all in all a successful trip.

Somehow, however, I missed the most exciting part of the weekend. Apparently, while everyone else was in one room, and I was in the other... Jonas took his first steps. Yeah - you read that right. He took three, THREE, steps from Mom to Joe, and they waited until after he'd fallen to call me.

"Well - it's not like he crossed the room or anything. He just took 3 steps."

"Yeah, um... I've never seen him take ONE STEP."

"Oh. Sorry."

Grrrr. Later I did, in fact, see him take one step. But that's it. And it hasn't happened since. Which is fine with me due to the fact that once he's walking I may have to start referring to him as a toddler, and I'm still not entirely cool w/ Jaynie being one of those. (What? When she turns three on Saturday she won't be a toddler anymore? Preschooler? La la la - I can't hear you.)

Wouldn't you like to live here, Grandma?

So my Mom is in town. When the car pulled into the drive Jaynie ran up to it yelling "GRANDMA!!!!", and she hasn't stopped showering her with affection since. Mom is sleeping in the guest bed in Jaynie's room, so they are "roommates". When Mom goes to the bathroom, Madam goes too. She constantly climbs into Grandma's lap and says things like "Do you have to go home to your house? Wouldn't you just like to live here with me forever?" It's really kind of pathetic.

This morning she got up and came to snuggle with me. I asked if she'd had any good dreams and she told me that she'd had some good ones, but then some sad ones. The good ones were about Grandma being here, and playing with her, and being roommates. The sad ones were about When she had to go home. (Enter incredibly sad face here.)

She climbs all over her, giving out hugs and kisses and "I love you, Grandma. I love you so much." constantly. Mom keeps looking at me funny. She's convinced I'm going to hit her up for a loan, and have been coaching the Twink to help butter her up. I swear, I had nothing to do with this. As if I would choose to be completely invisible when Grandma was in the room. Jeesh.

Hello.

Had this conversation on the phone today...

Ring Ring.

Me: Hello?

Unidentified Italian Man: Blahblahblahblahblah.

M: Hello???

UIM: Blahblahblahblah blah?

M: I'm sorry - non parlo Italiano.

UIM: Uhhh... Speak English?

M: Yes.

UIM: Ok. I calling from Sky?

M: (Paying attention now - Sky is my cable company) Ok?

UIM: Ok?

M: Yes?

UIM: I calling from Sky? You know Sky? You like?

M: Yes, I know Sky. I have Sky.

UIM: Oh? You have? Ok, hello. (hangs up)


It was around then that I figured out he was a telemarketer. The "Hello" at the end is still cracking me up.

I know you've all been waiting....

We're back! Actually, we've been back since Friday. Yes, I am a slacker, thank you very much.

I've been trying to get to this but frankly? Too busy eating cake, opening presents, and bemoaning the fact that I'm 30. THIRTY, people! Good Lord. I can remember when my parents were 30. Is that how old I am? A real, honest-to-God grownup?

I've decided to be "27". I think I can pull it off for a few more years.



Anyway - back to the blog. The trip, it was fabulous. We stayed in this tiny mountain town called Navelli. Tiny. Mountain. The B&B was at the base of the town, there were no shops, no restaurants, hardly any people... just this medieval town that went straight up. Our first night there we climbed to the top - beautiful, but exhausting. Especially when you have 25lbs of love strapped to your chest. Oye, my back.

The next day we drove into L'Aquila to see the castles. Jaynie thought it was the best vacation ever. We saw castles. We saw churches (which she also thought were castles. She loved the painted ceilings, and told us an elaborate story of how the artists must have grown wings and flew up there to paint them. So freaking cute.) We toured a cavern inside a mountain w/ rushing water and stalactites and mites and bats. The cavern's name? Grotti di Stiffe. Yes. Stiffe. Yes, we are juvenile enough to have laughed about being in the town of Stiffe all night long.

The next day we spent several hours in Sulmona, famous for it's candy making. What better place to stop? Beautiful mountain scenery, lots of old churches and random walls around the city center, winding cobblestone streets... and everywhere you look? Candy shops. Again - Jaynie thinks we're the best vacation planners on the planet.



When we got back it was time for my 27th birthday celebration to begin. I got presents first thing. 35 from Jaynie. The 30 was because that's what birthday it was (she must not have gotten the "27" memo), and "the extra 5 are because you looooooooove presents!" What a good girl I'm raising here! She got me tons of stuff from Lush, the first 5 seasons of ER, and season 2 of The Shield. Jonas and Joe combined to get me like 2 more bars from Lush, and seasons 3 and 4 of The Shield. I hope none of you are out there waiting for me to update the website. I'm too busy taking baths and watching TV.

Jaynie and I made my birthday cake. Something I'm usually against having to do myself (which, traditionally, means a store-bought one), but there was a recipe I wanted to try. Thanks so much, Tracey. Seriously - my big, fat (hot) butt thanks you.

Later, and this is the fun part, we dressed up for a big Carnevale celebration on base. Nothing like celebrating your birthday with a few hundred people in costumes. Jaynie was Snow White, I was Fiona (this is what she told me when I walked out in my green princess dress. Made me put on a heart necklace to go with since that's "what Fiona wears"), Jonas was a duck, Joe was our chauffeur.

When we got there, we were almost immediately separated. Jaynie and I on one side of this huge planter, Joe and Jonas on the other. There was an exhibition of dancers from a local dance school, and by exhibition I mean teenage girls in the lowest low-rise pants on the planet. Jaynie will never, and I mean NEVER, be permitted to wear stuff like this. Before they started dancing you could see dimples on the small of their backs. After they started dancing? Butt crack. Unbelievable.

So Jaynie and I move over to the area where kids are dancing and playing a game, and Joe stays where he is. I'm dividing my attention between my little BiancaNeve dancing and jumping and clapping, with my baby Duck and his wayward Dad. Check on Jaynie - dancing. Check on Joe - waiting for us. Jaynie - dancing. Joe - waiting. Jaynie - dancing. Joe - ..... surrounded by the mostly naked teenage girls. Sigh. It's never ok to use the baby as a chick magnet. Especially when the "chicks" in question are under the age of 20. He swears they started it, and it would have been rude to just ignore them. Whatever - when I found him he was sitting on the floor w/ the duck in his lap, literally surrounded by spandex-clad (if "clad" is a word you can use when 80% of your skin is showing) girls. Sigh.

I think that's it for updates. Valentine's day - fabulous. Birthday - fabulous. Next up is Madam's birthday, and I have plans. Big plans. Messy plans. Everyone start thinking "good weather" thoughts so the mess can take place outside.....

See ya!

Joe is suprising us with a fabulous vacation to Abruzzo, land of a million castles! Happy Valentine's day to me! (Notice I said "fabulous" instead of "romantic". With two kids in the bed, this is bound to be the least romantic V-day in a while.)

So we'll be offline for a few days. Before I sign off, let me leave you with this.....



Last night: Jaynie was falling, Joe caught her.

Joe: Wow, Twink, I just saved your bacon.

Jaynie: (Looks down at herself, at her arms, at her legs...) Daddy? What part is my bacon?



Bye, folks.

She works hard for the money.

So, Jaynie has a chore. A real, honest-to-God, actually helps me out chore.

When the diapers come out of the laundry it's a big basket full of dipes, liners, inserts, etc. all jumbled together. There are 4 baskets under the changing table that this mess gets sorted into. Of course, this was my job (what isn't.)

One night I'm running in and out of the room finding pj's, turning on heaters, etc. Joe is in there playing with the kids. I notice that one of the baskets is filled with diapers and I'm all ready to thank him for putting the stuff away when I notice it's not him who's doing it.

Entirely on her own, she's putting away the laundry.

She was doing a damn fine job, too. Diapers with diapers. Liners with liners. Inserts FOLDED, then stacked. Holy cow - I couldn't have done it better myself.

So now it's her job. I put two quarters in her piggy bank every time she does it. Yesterday she wanted to go on a 50cent ride at the commissary, and told me that if I let her she would "Put away the laundry!" for me when we got home. I love it.

Next up - teaching her to clean up under Jonas's high chair.

Of course, of course.

This morning Jaynie asked me "Mommy? What the last letter in Jasmine?" So I told her - "E. E is the last letter. That's a tricky one, because you can't hear the E. Sometimes, E's are quiet at the end of a word...."

I would have gone on, but she interrupted me to say "Oh, I know. Like HORSE. "



Jeesh.

Stating the obvious.

Yesterday a box came for me from my Secret Santa (thanks so much, sloooooow mail service. )

I'm opening it in front of the Twink, and when I pull out a sparkly purple tiara with feathers she goes berserk.

"THAT'S FOR ME! THAT'S MINE!"

I pointed out that it was a box addressed to me, from my friend. What on earth made her think it was for her?

"Well, I'M the princess in this family!"



How do you argue with that?

Bravo!

Jonas likes to give himself a round of applause every time he does... well... anything. Stand up? Applause! Throw a ball? Applause! Catch a ball? Immediately drops it so he can give himself a hand.

This is cute, but frustrating when it's something like getting a bite of food on the fork. Applause! Oh, wait... dammit, dropped my fork.

He has also started clapping for us when we do these things. I can't describe how funny it is to have your one-year-old clapping because you successfully navigated a spoonful of Cheerios into your own mouth....

Right on schedule...

This was my email from BabyCenter today. It's the one that tells me what to expect with my kids at this age blah blah blah. It was titled "Your 35 month old". (How did that happen? It used to say "You're 2 week old".


Hello, Jennifer!

In the coming months your child will start showing more interest in the differences between girls and boys. If you catch him in the midst of playing doctor with that little cutie from down the street, try not to react with shock or embarrassment.

So, I guess that explains that.

It can be hard to keep up.

So we're admiring her (still drying - how come if I accidentally leave the lid off some play doh it's a rock in 30 min, but when we're trying to make sculptures that last they're staying soft for days?) "animals for her friends" and she points to the anatomically correct gingerbread man and says "There's his hoo-hoo! (sooo fascinated by the hoo-hoo's all of a sudden) You have to be veeery careful of boy hoo-hoo's." Now, this gets our attention. What? Careful? Where was this sage advice BEFORE I produced the little terrorists? (Kidding, kidding... most of the time.)

Me: Why do you have to be careful of boy hoo-hoo's?

Jayne: Because you could accidentally hurt them!

(Ok, this is sounding familiar now. I think Joe gave her a lecture once after she stepped directly on his very own "boy hoo-hoo". The kid weighs 36lbs. Think about it for a while. Then (if you're a woman), laugh.)

M: Ohhhhh. You're right. You do have to be careful.

J: You also should be careful of mud!

M: Why?

J: So you don't get the muddy foot!

M: (laughing)

J: And you need to be careful of noodles!

M: (still laughing - gestures for her to explain)

J: So you don't get the saucy foot!




Sometimes it can be hard to keep up with these conversations. Maybe this is what being on drugs is like? Hey, folks! Want a "trip", but don't want to worry about that pesky drug test your company administers? Have a conversation with a two year old! It promises to be a good time!

Gender roles

Few things make Jonas as happy as wearing one of Jaynie's tiaras. He loves them. So sparkly and pretty! He makes a beeline for it, grabs it, and puts it right on his head (to be fair, he also does this with the fireman hats.) I think he looks soooooooooo flippin cute wearing one of his little manly man outfits topped off with a pink and purple rhinestone tiara.

Every now and then I catch Joe looking at him, and it's like I can read his thoughts... "So, if we had had the boy first, would I have two kids who liked sports? Instead of two kids who like to dress like Cinderella?"

Well, she does have a point...

Yesterday, from the backseat...

"My eyeballs are very, very beautiful. I kind of have princessy eyeballs. And Daddy? Has handsome eyeballs. Because he is kind of my prince, and princes are handsome. All of them. Even their eyeballs. "

It gets better and better!

Yesterday at market...

Jaynie: Look at that man! He is a boy! He has a boy hoo-hoo, on the outside!





(I am sooo thankful for the language barrier, and the fact she shouted this out in town instead of on base where everyone would've understood her. Right - I'm off to discuss what we talk about at HOME, and what we can talk about in PUBLIC.)

Family Update...

Joe: Has two papers due tomorrow. Has barely started. Is looking at a laaaaaaaaaate night. Also? I just pulled an crazy eyebrow hair off of him. It was twice as long as the others, curly, and grey. And to think he gave me crap about a grey hair just yesterday. At least I don't have old man eyebrows, Gramps.

Jenn: I bought a jogging stroller yesterday. In response to this threat my right knee started making this incredibly loud and disturbing clickPOP sound when I went up or down the stairs. Note please, that I haven't actually started jogging yet. I just bought the stroller. That's how much my body hates to run - it's taking a preemptive strike by injuring itself before I can even start.

Jaynie: Woke up dry this morning - for the second day in a row. The kid has been day-time potty-trained since last April, but still soaking through dipes at night. Last Tuesday I decided to do some guerrilla night-training and started putting her down in panties. 3 wet nights, then dry, dry, dry. No, I'm not delusional to think we won't have any more accidents, but man - the lack of laundry these past 2 days has been fab-u-lous.

Jonas: Stands up all the time now. All by himself. He doesn't need any help, and he's sooo pleased with himself when he does it. He'll stand there laughing and laughing. If I get out the camera and say "Jonas! Stand up!" he will, then he will totally ham it up. (Pics forthcoming) He still shows no desire to step forward. He'll "walk" around if you hold his hands, but right now he's pretty pleased with crawling at the speed of sound, then standing up to laugh and yell "Ay-NEE! DAD! BOB!" (Why oh why am I still Bob?)

The cats: Are staying with my Mom for a while longer. Sucker.

Forget pitter-patter...

Give me a baby belly laugh any day. Jaynie was cute, don't get me wrong. She had chubs and drool and the whole bit. She was one chompable baby. You know what she was missing, though? Laughter. Giggling. Chortles. Snickers. Actual happy sounds. She would look like she was laughing, but always on mute. No noise came out when you tickled her, or when the cat got close enough to touch, or when Daddy beeped his own nose. Just silent appreciation.

Jonas? Is a laugh riot. In the morning I can hear him in his bed, cracking up because he woke up to his tiger. You give his chubs a squeeze and he's laughing for an hour. Jaynie walks by? Forget it. He laughs all day long.

As if that's not enough - he is also sooo snuggly all of a sudden. He climbs all over me when I'm on the floor, trying to find the way to be closest to me. He likes to go find a small toy, then come back and sprawl in my lap playing with it. If he catches me watching him from across the room, he immediately starts blowing kisses. The. Sweetest. Baby. Ever.


(There is a downside. Just today I hear my lovely little NARC yelling "Oh NO! Mooooommy! Jonas is making a mess!" and go in to find him sitting in front of my open pajama drawer, casually throwing pj's over his shoulders all over the floor. Actually, while I'm thinking about it, those piles are still there....)

Uh oh...

Last night Jaynie took a hard look at Joe and announced "Hey, Daddy! Our hoo-hoo's are different!" (So much for changing in front of the "baby".) There was a moment when we looked at each other, then he said "That's right - I have a boy hoo-hoo, like Jonas. It's on the outside. You have a girl hoo-hoo, like Mommy. It's on the inside." That was the end of the conversation.


Today we made play-doh again (white flour this time -the purple is actually purple.) Remember when I said she only likes to roll out and cut the stuff? Well - today was a departure from the norm. She rolls it flat, uses the gingerbread man cookie cutter, adds two lumps for "eyes", a crescent "smile".... and a huge glop easily the size of the whole man between it's legs. "That's his hoo-hoo! It's on the outside!"








I won't even describe the "girl" she made later.