Here Comes Trouble

Baa

2007-05-13T10:23:00.000-07:00

I'm such a sheep.

Find me at www.mooredorks.wordpress.com. Baaaaa.

Yo.

2007-05-08T14:38:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to point out that the vacation post is UNDER the olive-oil one. I worked long and hard (before giving up and publishing a half-finished post that doesn't even have stories or pictures from the most exciting stuff) on that vacation post and it would make me crazy to learn that people open the blog, see the olive oil, think "Huh, nothing new!" and close it again. So scroll down. And would it kill you to comment?

RIP

2007-05-08T07:28:00.000-07:00

So I'm still working on the incredibly loooong, full of pictures vacation post. This can't wait, however. The world must see what I have do deal with around here....

That would be the fancy-shmancy olive oil I bought for my friend, Tiff. Congratulations on your fabulous prize, Tiff.

See - if you push the office chair all the way into the kitchen, and SLAM it against the shelves, you can get the breakables to fall off the high shelves.

Luckily, this stuff really does "Cut through grease"!!! All hail Mr. Clean. If I could, I would totally marry him.

And if you were wondering what the perpetrator thought of this whole photo-documentary process.... he didn't notice. Too busy painting his face (sorry, I of COURSE mean eating his breakfast!) Sigh. Good thing he's so cute.

We're baaaaaack

2007-05-05T06:58:00.000-07:00

Whew, what a trip. Next time I talk about being in the car for almost 30 hours with two kids, could someone please point me towards a cheap flights search engine? Thanks.

Things we learned on this trip...

Jonas gets carsick just like his Mommy. No puking, but when we were going around and around on those (torturous, horrifying, never-ending) scenic mountain roads he just cried and cried (so did I, but I pretended it was just something in my eye.)

If you dress your kid in a Cinderella costume before taking her to Neuschwanstein castle, other tourists will take pictures of her. Lots of other tourists.

When trying to decide between similar hotels online, it helps if one has this picture of their breakfast buffet...

Mmmm. Pastries. (My annoying kids of course ate next to nothing. Just yogurt and kiwi for them. Really - whose kids are these? I think Joe and I gained at least 2lbs a piece that morning.)

If you can find a pool, or a playground near your hotel... it doesn't matter what cool things you go to see while you're in town. The pool is all they will talk about when you ask "So, what was your favorite part of the vacation?"

Enough of this - here's how the trip went down...

Saturday the 21st we woke up, ran around like crazy trying to get the house clean and the car packed, took Madam to ballet, did some last minute shopping for car snacks, and hit the road. Many, many hours later we pull into the hotel in Bologna that we selected based on the pastry buffet. What the internet failed to mention was all of the... uh... "working girls" around the hotel. They were practically in the parking lot. We had to walk past them to get to the Burger King across the street. (Yes, we ate at Burger King. In Italy. Whatever - I refuse to apologize for this. I practically cried happy tears when I saw it and realized that a very fast, fairly cheap, hot meal was so easily obtainable. It was an hour and a half past bedtime and all we'd had since lunch was granola bars and rice cakes.) Jaynie did not ask me why there were ladies wearing underwear standing on the sidewalk, and I did not volunteer to explain it. Jonas stared, openly, at cleavage that was not mine. The weird part was there were also cops randomly standing on the corners, and other families out and about and it didn't feel like a bad area.... Europe is weird.

Anyway, after our grease-fest we explored our hotel room and found the largest toilet on the planet. Don't believe me? Observe -

Giant toilet with matching bidet. Seriously - is that not an intimidating potty? If you are asking yourself "She went to Bologna and took pictures of the bathroom?" the answer is a big yes. I also took pictures of this stuff -

Mystery toiletry found in the soapdish by the bidet. They have special sinks and soaps for their bottoms, but don't wear deodorant. See? Weird.

Anyway, next morning after the pastry-fest we were on to Germany! We drove through the Brenner pass, paid about 3983759 euro in tolls, and watched as the architecture changed. It was really incredible - one minute all the houses were wide and flat, stone and metal balconies, no shingles, etc. The very next town had ornate wooden shutters, pitched roofs with shingles, carved wooden railings and decks. We were almost there! (Well, not quite. It was like 6 hours. I got a lot of knitting done. )

We arrived in Oberammergau that afternoon (I am loving Wikipedia right now. Bear with me.) and checked into our hotel. Only it wasn't a hotel. It was an apartment. Well, kind of. See - these very nice people (Ingrid and Pauli) own this HUGE house that has been turned into like 4 rentable apartments attached to their own very nice home. It was great.

Chez Ingrid

These Oberammergauians? They are SERIOUS about their firewood. Really - look here...

Oh, that's not so bad you say? Just a nice head start to winter (it's April, people.) Well, what about this?

Hmmm? Explanations? Is it left overs? Did they have a warm 2006-2007 winter? Or are they serious about stocking up for 07/08? Wait a minute...

Holy Moley, people. That's a lot of wood. And it's we're not done, yet...

Yes, these are all different piles, and they all belong to one house. In APRIL. Can you explain this? I cannot. I have to tell you - as we drove around town we saw this everywhere. An entire town buried in firewood.

So Monday and Tuesday the kiddos and I basically hung around watching Little Einsteins in German and swinging on Ingrid's swing -

On day three we discovered the pool. Oh, the pool. Amazing that we wasted 2 whole days NOT going to the pool. (You really must click that link and read the badly translated page for it. "Super Mega Water Fun" for everyone!) I couldn't really take the camera inside, which was a shame since the kids were soooooooo freaking cute in their little suits. Alas, when it's just me and two kids, no life-vests, and like 6 pools - I need both hands free.

The first castle we visited was Schloss Linderhof. This is only a "castle" in that a king lived there. Really, it's smaller than the average bank. It's more like Linderhof very pretty house, than Linderhof castle.

Seriously - I've read in so many guidebooks something to the effect of "It's small but very very beautiful". Bah. Just say it! "Your hotel is probably bigger than this "castle". It's pretty, but maybe you don't promise your three-year-old you are going to see a castle. She may be disappointed." Eh - she doesn't seem *too* disappointed...

Ok - I can only do so much. I'm going to leave you with that smiling face and pick this up again tomorrow. Stay tuned for part two - Schloss Neuschwanstein! Venezia! 14 miserable hours in the car, complete with pictures!

More Cereal!

2007-04-28T04:32:00.000-07:00

So this week we've been vacationing in Germany. We've seen castles. We've played in a huge pool. We've strolled down sidewalks past painted house after painted house. We've picked more wildflowers than Jaynie had ever dreamed of in her short life. We've eaten more sausage than I cared to in my long life. We've watched cartoons and MTV in German.... Lots to blog about.

But what am I here to tell you? Simply this - my son is a genius. Today he signed for "more cereal." He did not want more yogurt, he was not all done, he wanted more cereal. So he told me. All that was missing was the "please". We'll work on that. =)

Duh.

2007-04-11T09:12:00.000-07:00

When I take off Jonas's overnight diaper, I like to leave him naked for a while. His poor butt needs some fresh air after 12 hours in a wet diaper.

So this morning I take off the old one, give him a wipe, put him on the floor.... and he pees. Wonderful.

Ok, no big deal. I clean it up, and then (foolishly) feel confidant that he's empty and I don't have to keep that close an eye on him.

Over the next 15 min. the kid pees on the floor four times. FOUR TIMES. How is that even physically possible?

So I'm wiping the last puddle, and I'm asking him "Why, Jonas? Why? WHY are you peeing all over my floor?" and Jaynie looks at me like I'm slow and says "Uh, I think it's because he doesn't have a diaper on?"

Duh.

Sleep talking

2007-04-11T08:54:00.000-07:00

Jaynie and I have been having some very interesting conversations lately. They always start the same - she's sleeping, suddenly she's crying, I walk in and ask what's wrong, and here are the replies....

"Who turned off the music? Why is the music stopped?" (What music?) "There was music. Very very quiet music. Is sounded like brushes." (Brushes? What kind of music do brushes make?) "It sounded like a song from Mary Poppins." (A very, very quiet song from Mary Poppins that sounded like brushes?) "Yes. Why did it stop? Who turned it off?"

"I DON'T WANT THIS NIGHTGOWN! I JUST WANT A SHIRT AND SKIRT!"

"I neeeed a drink, Mommy. Please! Please can I have a drink?" (Honey - it's the middle of the night. Go back to sleep.) "Noooooooo! I need a drink! I ate all my dinner and now I need a drink! And WHYYYY did that man eat all my chocolate?"

Poor kiddo. Dreaming about a chocolate thief? No wonder she woke up crying.

MOMEEEEEEE

2007-04-11T08:53:00.000-07:00

I am no longer "Bob". =)

Chick Movie

2007-04-08T01:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was "Mom's Day Off" (I KNOW! It was amazing! Well, actually it was like 1/2 day off, because I'm too chicken to drive long distances by myself in a foreign country and dragged the whole family with me on a shopping trip.. but that 1/2 day was great, and now I have new lotion, so it's all good.)

So I shopped, I got my eyebrows waxed (I know, I really know how to have a good time, huh?) and I (wait for it...) went to a movie! Not an animated one! It was rated PG-13, and it rocked. Music and Lyrics. Hugh Grant was even funnier in this one than in 2 Weeks Notice. (I can hear all my male readers rolling their eyes - this is exactly why this was the movie for Mom's Day Off. We left the husbands at home and just enjoyed the hell out of it. Really, girls - go see the movie. Or rent it, cause it probably is already out of American theaters.)

Later that evening, reunited with my little angels, Jaynie asks me to describe the movie to her. I tell her it's about a man named Alex who is a singer, and he meets a beautiful girl named Sophie and they write a song and fall in love and there's lots of kissing and they live happily ever after, The End.

There's a pause, and then she asks "But what about the chicks?"

Total confusion on my part. I don't even know how to ask "huh?" She goes on "Where are the chicks? What about the chicks?" and I'm like "What are you talking about?" and she says "Daddy said it was a chick movie! Where are the chicks? What did the chicks do?"

After I was done laughing, I asked her to repeat exactly what her father had said. "Pretend you are Daddy and I am Jaynie. What did he say?"

"Jaynie? Your Mommy is going kind of crazy so she needs a break. So today we will play and she will go see a chick movie. Mommy and Miss Becky are chicks, so they like chick movies... Hey! Mommy! You guys are the chicks! I forgot!"

I love this game. It's better than planting a bug on Joe. Going kind of crazy? Hmph.

Hard-headed.

2007-04-08T01:05:00.000-07:00

Jonas likes to head-butt stuff. His sister, the sides of his crib, the mirror, the wall, a window, me, his sister.... If there's nothing around he'll put both hands in the air, make a kind-of "HiiiYAH!" noise, and whack himself on the head. I've also seen him whack himself repeatedly with a book, and this morning he was banging his own face with a remote control.

No real punchline to this post. Is this a boy thing? It reminds me of the kid in Parenthood who has the bucket over his head and is repeatedly banging against the wall (actually Jonas would probably really get a kick out of that game - maybe I should demonstrate it for him the next time I need 30 min to make dinner...)

Poop.

2007-04-06T11:05:00.000-07:00

The following post is about poop. It's a very funny story, but at it's heart? A poop story. If you can't handle that, walk away now.

Jaynie hasn't pooped all day. I'm reading her stories before bed when a foul oder enters the room.

Me: JAYNIE! Holy cow, did you just fart?

Jaynie: Mmmhmmmm. (angelically - like she didn't just fumigate the room.)

Me: You know those poopies that haven't come out all day? I think they're ready. Go put them in the potty please.

A minute goes by and we can hear her talking in the bathroom. The phrase I keep hearing is "All right!" Assuming that she's talking to one of us, Joe goes in to check on her. He comes back, laughing, with the following story -

So I go in there and she's talking, TO THE POOP. she's saying "All right, poopies. Time to come out. Come out, poopies." And I ask her - "Who are you talking to?" and she tells me "I'm talking to my poopies. I'm telling them to come out!" So I ask "Well, what do the poopies say?" and she looks me in the eye and says...

"Dad, they're poopies. They don't say anything."

(Really, it was a ridiculous question.)

Exactly how I feel.

2007-03-28T15:15:00.000-07:00

Today Jaynie was being the "Mommy Princess" and all her princess dolls were her babies. She has Belle, Snow White, Cinderella, and Ariel. (Spoiled!)

She was rocking them and feeding them and reading them stories and putting them down for naps... at one point she climbed into bed with them (!!!!!!!) to "snuggle my kiddos". It was all very awwwwwwwwwww.

Then she comes up to me and says "Mommy? My babies make my heart dance and sing."

Where does she get this? I practically teared up. I had Fat Jonas in my lap, Mommy Princess Jaynie standing in front of us wearing her ballet skirt, a sparkly pink shirt, and nothing else (I realized this when she walked away and I totally saw tush) telling me her kiddos made her heart dance and sing. I can think of no better description. Jayne? You're exhausting, but you're sooooooo worth it. =)

DAD! DAD? DAAAAD!

2007-03-28T15:07:00.000-07:00

Joe is TDY. He's been gone since Friday.

For the first few days, Jonas didn't seem to notice. I mean, maybe he did, but who can tell? Well, we can tell now. Every evening he goes from room to room yelling "DAD! DAD? DAD! DAD! DAD?" It's pathetic.

He's not upset. He's not crying or anything, but he literally crawls all over the house, opening doors, yelling for his Dad. Whenever I open the kitchen door that leads to our balcony he hurries across the living room to get to me and look for Dad (the balcony overlooks our driveway and it's generally where the kids yell and greet him every night.)

He also says "Bye bye!" "check!" (Like this - Phone? Check! Keys? Check! Purse? (Jonas pipes up from my arms...) "CHECK!") "Jayneeeee", "Hi, you!" "Helloooooo" and, of course, "Bob". (That would be me. Sigh.)

The rest of you will no doubt find this funny...

2007-03-28T14:53:00.000-07:00

But for those of us who live here? Exhausting.

Earlier today, Madam wanders into the kitchen while I'm making her some chocolate milk. Which she just asked for. And is now standing 3 feet from me, watching me stir in the Quik.

J: What are you making, Mommy?

M: Uh... the chocolate milk you just asked for?

J: Is it the kind you make with brown powder? Or my special kind? ("Special kind" = chocolate soy milk I buy for her.)

M: Um... do you see this brown powder, here?

J: Yes.

M: ....

J: ....

M: It's the brown powder kind, hello! This brown powder right here!

J: Why is it not my special kind?

M: Because we're all out.

J: Why are we all out?

M: Because you drank it all.

J: Why did I drink it all?

M:.....

J:......

M: Seriously?

J:.....

M: I don't know, Jayne. I guess you were thirsty?

J: Why was I thirsty?

M: [hands her the milk, walks out of the room, bangs head repeatedly against the wall.......]

Ballet day and money in my pocket.

2007-03-18T06:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a good day. It was a good day for several reasons.

1) It was Saturday, and who doesn't love a Saturday? (Actually, I know the answer to this. Servers. Servers do not love a Saturday. But those of us who have left our restaurant days behind in favor of a Mon-Fri work week? We love a Saturday.) Daddy home all day? Hurrah!

2) There was a big community yard sale on base and I A) got rid of a ton of stuff that was taking up valuable space in the house and B) made $100. $100! Woo hoo!

3) It was the first day of Ballet class for the Twink. She woke up asking "IS IT BALLET DAY?!?!?" We got her dressed, told her to listen to her teacher, and hauled off to class.....

Jaynie admires her outfit in the big mirror, while waiting for class to start.

I couldn't be there (was busy hawking our old cd's - really - people will buy anything. Mr. Big? Sold.), but Joe took all these pictures for me. (Ok, and for you guys.)

Listening quietly to the teacher's instructions. Who is this kid?

We got the leotard and shoes from the thrift store (two bucks!), and didn't have any plain tights. So she got the rosebud ones. At the last minute she pleaded her case for wearing the foofy skirt. I told her she could wear it to class, but the teacher might ask her to take it off. We had a whole discussion about how ballerinas wear tu-tu's for "shows", but at class they just wear the leotard and tights and it was up to her teacher etcetcetc. Well, she came back to me after class and the first thing she told me was that the teacher had said "Of COURSE you can wear your skirt!"

You can clearly see the joy on her face here.

So if you are wondering what they teach three-year-olds in ballet, it apparently involved a lot of sitting...

Learning arm positions

There was also running on tip-toe (which is so stinking cute, I can't properly describe it), twirling with arms above the head, and "hopping like a frog".

There was one scary part - apparently towards the end of the class a terrorist somehow got into the studio and tried to join the girls...

Blurry, but you can see the danger approaching our tiny ballerinas...

Next week, she's planning to wear her hot-pink leopard-print leggings instead of the rose tights and skirt. Stay tuned for pics.

Truely pitiful confession time...

2007-03-16T07:21:00.000-07:00

This morning I had my annual exam. TMI? Sorry. Here's the point...

I was SO FREAKING EXCITED to be going. Really, really delighted. Why? Because I got to leave the kids at home with Joe.

I mean, sure - once I was there they got me on a table and did unspeakable things to me, but the entire time? Nobody questioned me about a Disney princess ("Why is Belle's prince all hairy and Cinderella's is normal? Why does Ariel's Daddy break all her stuff? That's not nice! Why do the birds wear clothes? Our birds are naked! Why does Snow White eat the apple when the dwarfs told her to stay away from strangers? Why is sometimes her name Aurora, and sometimes Briar Rose? Why? Why? Why, Mommy, why?"), I was not required to sing any of the now SIX verses we know of Itsy Bitsy Spider, I was able to talk to the Dr. for as long as I needed, without once having to say "Can you please be quiet for just a minute? I'm almost done, I promise." Hell - you know what I did in the waiting room? I knit! That's right! I didn't read books and jingle my keys and search for binkies... And not once in the two hours I was gone did I hear the phrase "I need a snack and a drink!" or "This is kind of boring, Mommy." Heaven.

(It's really saying something that I so enjoyed a freaking exam. I guess I really, really shouldn't have skipped book club this month. Mommy needs a vacation.)

DADDY!

2007-03-16T07:16:00.000-07:00

That's what Jonas yelled this morning, immediately after popping off the boob. He pins me down, has his way with me, then when he's done? Yells for Joe. It's like I'm not even in the room anymore.

Anyway - the "DADDY!" was so clear and understandable, that Joe went into Jaynie's room and asked if she had called him. Heh.

And did I mention that within 24 hours of her arrival, my Mom had Jonas saying "Gramma"?

As for me..... I'm still "Bob". Sigh.

36 steps

2007-03-16T07:11:00.000-07:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess once you mosey down the hall without assistance (trying to get the toy your sister is deliberately keeping out of your reach), you are officially "walking". And therefore, officially a "toddler". Hmph.

(Seriously - WHY? WHY MUST HE BREAK MY HEART LIKE THIS? YOU ARE THE LAST BABY, DAMMIT! CAN'T YOU JUST LAY THERE AND LOOK CUTE? WHY MUST YOU GROW UP? Ugh. Any day now the "Why? Why? Why? will start. And I'll be dooooooomed.)

Boobies

2007-03-15T06:40:00.000-07:00

Last night at dinner, Jonas was cracking us up. He'll put a bite of food onto his fork, then make an airplane sound while putting it into his own mouth. Yeah - you're reading this correctly. HE stabs the food w/ the fork, HE moves the fork towards his mouth, HE feeds himself the food... but makes a WOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooo noise while he does it. It's hysterical.

So we're all laughing and he's eating and somehow the word "boobies" was used. I know, I know - at the dinner table? What are we doing discussing boobies at the dinner table? I honestly can't remember the context. Just skip over this part if it detracts from the cuteness about to follow...

So he stops what he's doing, and pulls his shirt away from his chest and looks down into it. It was kinda loose so practically his whole head disappeared. And we're all asking "Jonas - what are you doing buddy?" and he's looking down his shirt and babbling and finally he pulls his head out but sticks his hand down there and points to his nipple.

Boobies.

He doesn't know ear or belly or hand. He doesn't know mouth or head. He only gets "eye" right about half of the time. But add boobies to the list of body parts Jonas knows. He's starting with the important stuff. Who needs to know "chin", anyway?

(Julie - I totally had you going w/ that title, eh? ROLF.)

Crunchy kids

2007-03-14T07:22:00.000-07:00

Today is Joe's birthday (Happy birthday, Babe. Love you.) As it is also a Wednesday and therefore just a normal no-fun workday for him, we had his fake-birthday on Saturday. We had cake, there were presents, we flew a kite, bowled, shopped... it was fun.

I started the day by making buttermilk waffles. I did this for two reasons - 1) I had buttermilk and, really, what the hell else was I supposed to do with it? 2) Joe's not a huge fan of the crunchy whole-grain stuff I usually make. It was his "birthday" after all.

Here is my normal waffle recipe...

1 cup whole wheat flour
3/4 cups white flour
1 tbsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
lots of cinnamon (I let Jaynie do this part - there is no measurement. Just dump it in.)
1 tbsp milled flax seed
1 egg
1 1/4 cups milk
1/2 cups oil
1 cup unsweetened apple sauce
3 tbsp water (you could no doubt skip this and just add a little more milk)

Mix dry ingredients in a large bowl. Mix wet ingredients in medium bowl. Dump wet into dry. Voila.

This is some serious whole-grain goodness. Joe wouldn't eat these if he was on Lost and they fell off the mysterious supply plane.

So for his bday I used a basic buttermilk recipe. There was white flour in it. And vanilla. And even a little white sugar (I know - the horror.) I made my normal sized batch - enough for breakfast and then twice that much to put in the freezer.

The kids won't eat them.

I try to give one to Jaynie and she demands to know WHY this waffle is YELLOW!? I just want a BROWN waffle!

I give one to Jonas and he takes a bite, looks at me like I'm nuts, and throws it.

So - if anyone would like approximately two-dozen buttermilk waffles, lemme know.

He walks!

2007-03-14T06:53:00.000-07:00

Well, maybe "walks" is stretching things a bit. But he definitely "steps". Like 6 or 7 at a time. He would be able to go further, but the act of walking so delights him that he can't just focus and do it. He starts laughing, then squealing, then clapping and waving his arms around... all this exuberance really wrecks havoc with his balance.

My little man. I am sooo not ready for this.

Three years ago...

2007-03-05T06:06:00.000-08:00

(The following was originally posted in Madam's blog by accident. Now it's here, but 2 days late. Whatever - it's a miracle I'm able to dress myself every day, much less keep track of these blogs.)

I used to be Jennifer. I was a sister, daughter, wife, friend, cousin, grandchild, waitress, student, drama queen, painter, pain in the butt, slob... But three years ago I woke to a pop pop POP noise coming from my belly. I stood up and had one of those Hollywood movie moments where the water breaks and GUSH splashes all over the place. 10 hour later my Twinkie was born and gave me a new name. Mommy.

It's all I ever wanted to be. I never had big career aspirations. I went to college because it was expected, but I never hoped to be anything other than a stay-at-home-mom. And here I am. Living the dream. Of course, my dreams didn't involve *quite* so much poop.

Happy birthday, Twink. Thanks for making me a Mom. Love you.

Three times the fun.

2007-03-05T02:19:00.000-08:00

The night before her birthday, Joe was explaining the concept of the birthday wish to Madam. He told her she'd have to close her eyes, and make a wish, then blow out the candles. He also told her that the most important thing was to not tell anyone the wish, or it won't come true. He said "People will ask you what you wished for - you just tell them you can't say or it won't come true. Got it?" She told him she understood, waited a beat, then spit out "I'M GOING TO WISH FOR A REAL CINDERELLA DRESS!" (If you are Aunty Suz, or anyone she bragged to, you already know this story will have a happy ending.)

So the Twink requested chocolate birthday cake for her birthday breakfast. Who am I to deny her? We woke up, I frosted the cake, we lit the candles and sang happy birthday. She closed her eyes tight, and said out loud "I wish for a REAL Cinderella dress! The kind she wears to the ball! And also glass slippers and a new light blue headband!", then she attempted to blow out the candles with her eyes still closed. We really need to work on the concept of the secret wish.

The cake was delish. Observe -
Yes - the first picture in Jaynie's birthday post is of her brother. And he's wearing one of her tiara's to boot. Life can be so unfair.

Anyway- after we were all sugared up it was time for presents! Woohoo! The Birthday Girl and I hunted all around the house for them. She was sure it would be a "BIG pile!" and that they would be easy to spot. Little did she know they were in the attic. Heh.

So she's opening and opening and opening. She got a princess chair, some dress-up stuff, games, clothes, a lunchbox (was supposed to be saved for when we started sending her to preschool - oops!), posters, music, a movie... the list goes on and on. She really cleaned up.

While she's opening, her brother is tearing around the room getting into as much trouble as possible, and he's starting to smell a little ripe. So Joe takes him out to change his diaper, and I suggest she sit in her chair for some pictures while we wait for Daddy to come back. She decides that what she really needs for the pictures is a present to hold in her lap and randomly selects a package from her big bag-o-loot.

The tissue paper falls away, and she's left holding the "dress of her dreams". Without Joe to see. Without the video camera running. I swear she does this on purpose.

So after this huge intake of breath, eyes wide, mouth in a happy "O", she yells "My wish came TRUE!" It was priceless. I got her to say it again for the camera, but it wasn't quite the same.

Here's Cinderella in her ridiculously cute dress, and ridiculously ridiculous wig.
Maybe I will get her to take it off before she goes away to college. Maybe.

After presents we walked to the weekly market (or, as the locals call it - the mercado) to buy bananas and "anything she wanted" since it was her birthday. This means she got a new pair of striped knee-socks. That's my girl. We also bought these balloons for the party -

By the way - if you are the one who sent this dress-up outfit, along with the mermaid one, speak up! Don't just send eBay purchases to our house without alerting us first. You know what happens when you don't take credit for cool presents? We take credit for them. Hee.

After shopping there was lunch, nap, frantic running around by me, and then.....

PARTY TIME! (Yes - I realize it's another picture of Jonas. Trust me, there will be more of the birthday girl later.)

We had a costume party at the park. If that doesn't say "good time", I don't know what does. We had costumed kids, bubbles, funny sunglasses...

Cupcakes...

(See - this is why I let the kids decorate them themselves. I could have never topped this. It's a work of pastry art.)

And was basically a rip-roaring good time. Here are some of the birthday girl herself...

Wearing her birthday sticker.

Looking anywhere but at the camera.

Showing me her chocolate teeth. (Really - vanilla is so much more photogenic. Why does my kid have to be a chocoholic?)

By the time we left we were all wiped out. Home to open all the presents (and wow did we get some great ones - thank you everybody!), have a quick dinner (ham and cheese quesadillas anyone?), and right to bed. For everybody. Seriously - I was in bed at 9pm and glad of it. Parties really take it out of me.

Happy happy birthday, my Twink. I still can't believe you're three.

The hell?

2007-02-27T13:44:00.000-08:00

So we went to Rome for the weekend. It was fantastic. We stayed at this kick-ass apartment for less than most hotels. Two bedrooms, living, dining, full kitchen (w/ all her plates etc)... it was very nice. We ate great pizza, saw beautiful fountains, strolled through gardens, went to the zoo... all in all a successful trip.

Somehow, however, I missed the most exciting part of the weekend. Apparently, while everyone else was in one room, and I was in the other... Jonas took his first steps. Yeah - you read that right. He took three, THREE, steps from Mom to Joe, and they waited until after he'd fallen to call me.

"Well - it's not like he crossed the room or anything. He just took 3 steps."

"Yeah, um... I've never seen him take ONE STEP."

"Oh. Sorry."

Grrrr. Later I did, in fact, see him take one step. But that's it. And it hasn't happened since. Which is fine with me due to the fact that once he's walking I may have to start referring to him as a toddler, and I'm still not entirely cool w/ Jaynie being one of those. (What? When she turns three on Saturday she won't be a toddler anymore? Preschooler? La la la - I can't hear you.)

Wouldn't you like to live here, Grandma?

2007-02-26T12:13:00.000-08:00

So my Mom is in town. When the car pulled into the drive Jaynie ran up to it yelling "GRANDMA!!!!", and she hasn't stopped showering her with affection since. Mom is sleeping in the guest bed in Jaynie's room, so they are "roommates". When Mom goes to the bathroom, Madam goes too. She constantly climbs into Grandma's lap and says things like "Do you have to go home to your house? Wouldn't you just like to live here with me forever?" It's really kind of pathetic.

This morning she got up and came to snuggle with me. I asked if she'd had any good dreams and she told me that she'd had some good ones, but then some sad ones. The good ones were about Grandma being here, and playing with her, and being roommates. The sad ones were about When she had to go home. (Enter incredibly sad face here.)

She climbs all over her, giving out hugs and kisses and "I love you, Grandma. I love you so much." constantly. Mom keeps looking at me funny. She's convinced I'm going to hit her up for a loan, and have been coaching the Twink to help butter her up. I swear, I had nothing to do with this. As if I would choose to be completely invisible when Grandma was in the room. Jeesh.

Hello.

2007-02-26T11:46:00.000-08:00

Had this conversation on the phone today...

Ring Ring.

Me: Hello?

Unidentified Italian Man: Blahblahblahblahblah.

M: Hello???

UIM: Blahblahblahblah blah?

M: I'm sorry - non parlo Italiano.

UIM: Uhhh... Speak English?

M: Yes.

UIM: Ok. I calling from Sky?

M: (Paying attention now - Sky is my cable company) Ok?

UIM: Ok?

M: Yes?

UIM: I calling from Sky? You know Sky? You like?

M: Yes, I know Sky. I have Sky.

UIM: Oh? You have? Ok, hello. (hangs up)

It was around then that I figured out he was a telemarketer. The "Hello" at the end is still cracking me up.

I know you've all been waiting....

2007-02-19T06:24:00.000-08:00

We're back! Actually, we've been back since Friday. Yes, I am a slacker, thank you very much.

I've been trying to get to this but frankly? Too busy eating cake, opening presents, and bemoaning the fact that I'm 30. THIRTY, people! Good Lord. I can remember when my parents were 30. Is that how old I am? A real, honest-to-God grownup?

I've decided to be "27". I think I can pull it off for a few more years.

Anyway - back to the blog. The trip, it was fabulous. We stayed in this tiny mountain town called Navelli. Tiny. Mountain. The B&B was at the base of the town, there were no shops, no restaurants, hardly any people... just this medieval town that went straight up. Our first night there we climbed to the top - beautiful, but exhausting. Especially when you have 25lbs of love strapped to your chest. Oye, my back.

The next day we drove into L'Aquila to see the castles. Jaynie thought it was the best vacation ever. We saw castles. We saw churches (which she also thought were castles. She loved the painted ceilings, and told us an elaborate story of how the artists must have grown wings and flew up there to paint them. So freaking cute.) We toured a cavern inside a mountain w/ rushing water and stalactites and mites and bats. The cavern's name? Grotti di Stiffe. Yes. Stiffe. Yes, we are juvenile enough to have laughed about being in the town of Stiffe all night long.

The next day we spent several hours in Sulmona, famous for it's candy making. What better place to stop? Beautiful mountain scenery, lots of old churches and random walls around the city center, winding cobblestone streets... and everywhere you look? Candy shops. Again - Jaynie thinks we're the best vacation planners on the planet.

When we got back it was time for my 27th birthday celebration to begin. I got presents first thing. 35 from Jaynie. The 30 was because that's what birthday it was (she must not have gotten the "27" memo), and "the extra 5 are because you looooooooove presents!" What a good girl I'm raising here! She got me tons of stuff from Lush, the first 5 seasons of ER, and season 2 of The Shield. Jonas and Joe combined to get me like 2 more bars from Lush, and seasons 3 and 4 of The Shield. I hope none of you are out there waiting for me to update the website. I'm too busy taking baths and watching TV.

Jaynie and I made my birthday cake. Something I'm usually against having to do myself (which, traditionally, means a store-bought one), but there was a recipe I wanted to try. Thanks so much, Tracey. Seriously - my big, fat (hot) butt thanks you.

Later, and this is the fun part, we dressed up for a big Carnevale celebration on base. Nothing like celebrating your birthday with a few hundred people in costumes. Jaynie was Snow White, I was Fiona (this is what she told me when I walked out in my green princess dress. Made me put on a heart necklace to go with since that's "what Fiona wears"), Jonas was a duck, Joe was our chauffeur.

When we got there, we were almost immediately separated. Jaynie and I on one side of this huge planter, Joe and Jonas on the other. There was an exhibition of dancers from a local dance school, and by exhibition I mean teenage girls in the lowest low-rise pants on the planet. Jaynie will never, and I mean NEVER, be permitted to wear stuff like this. Before they started dancing you could see dimples on the small of their backs. After they started dancing? Butt crack. Unbelievable.

So Jaynie and I move over to the area where kids are dancing and playing a game, and Joe stays where he is. I'm dividing my attention between my little BiancaNeve dancing and jumping and clapping, with my baby Duck and his wayward Dad. Check on Jaynie - dancing. Check on Joe - waiting for us. Jaynie - dancing. Joe - waiting. Jaynie - dancing. Joe - ..... surrounded by the mostly naked teenage girls. Sigh. It's never ok to use the baby as a chick magnet. Especially when the "chicks" in question are under the age of 20. He swears they started it, and it would have been rude to just ignore them. Whatever - when I found him he was sitting on the floor w/ the duck in his lap, literally surrounded by spandex-clad (if "clad" is a word you can use when 80% of your skin is showing) girls. Sigh.

I think that's it for updates. Valentine's day - fabulous. Birthday - fabulous. Next up is Madam's birthday, and I have plans. Big plans. Messy plans. Everyone start thinking "good weather" thoughts so the mess can take place outside.....

See ya!

2007-02-14T01:32:00.000-08:00

Joe is suprising us with a fabulous vacation to Abruzzo, land of a million castles! Happy Valentine's day to me! (Notice I said "fabulous" instead of "romantic". With two kids in the bed, this is bound to be the least romantic V-day in a while.)

So we'll be offline for a few days. Before I sign off, let me leave you with this.....

Last night: Jaynie was falling, Joe caught her.

Joe: Wow, Twink, I just saved your bacon.

Jaynie: (Looks down at herself, at her arms, at her legs...) Daddy? What part is my bacon?

Bye, folks.

She works hard for the money.

2007-02-09T09:50:00.000-08:00

So, Jaynie has a chore. A real, honest-to-God, actually helps me out chore.

When the diapers come out of the laundry it's a big basket full of dipes, liners, inserts, etc. all jumbled together. There are 4 baskets under the changing table that this mess gets sorted into. Of course, this was my job (what isn't.)

One night I'm running in and out of the room finding pj's, turning on heaters, etc. Joe is in there playing with the kids. I notice that one of the baskets is filled with diapers and I'm all ready to thank him for putting the stuff away when I notice it's not him who's doing it.

Entirely on her own, she's putting away the laundry.

She was doing a damn fine job, too. Diapers with diapers. Liners with liners. Inserts FOLDED, then stacked. Holy cow - I couldn't have done it better myself.

So now it's her job. I put two quarters in her piggy bank every time she does it. Yesterday she wanted to go on a 50cent ride at the commissary, and told me that if I let her she would "Put away the laundry!" for me when we got home. I love it.

Next up - teaching her to clean up under Jonas's high chair.

Of course, of course.

2007-02-09T04:55:00.000-08:00

This morning Jaynie asked me "Mommy? What the last letter in Jasmine?" So I told her - "E. E is the last letter. That's a tricky one, because you can't hear the E. Sometimes, E's are quiet at the end of a word...."

I would have gone on, but she interrupted me to say "Oh, I know. Like HORSE. "

Jeesh.

Stating the obvious.

2007-02-08T10:27:00.000-08:00

Yesterday a box came for me from my Secret Santa (thanks so much, sloooooow mail service. )

I'm opening it in front of the Twink, and when I pull out a sparkly purple tiara with feathers she goes berserk.

"THAT'S FOR ME! THAT'S MINE!"

I pointed out that it was a box addressed to me, from my friend. What on earth made her think it was for her?

"Well, I'M the princess in this family!"

How do you argue with that?

Bravo!

2007-02-08T10:21:00.000-08:00

Jonas likes to give himself a round of applause every time he does... well... anything. Stand up? Applause! Throw a ball? Applause! Catch a ball? Immediately drops it so he can give himself a hand.

This is cute, but frustrating when it's something like getting a bite of food on the fork. Applause! Oh, wait... dammit, dropped my fork.

He has also started clapping for us when we do these things. I can't describe how funny it is to have your one-year-old clapping because you successfully navigated a spoonful of Cheerios into your own mouth....

Right on schedule...

2007-02-04T23:43:00.000-08:00

This was my email from BabyCenter today. It's the one that tells me what to expect with my kids at this age blah blah blah. It was titled "Your 35 month old". (How did that happen? It used to say "You're 2 week old".

Hello, Jennifer!

In the coming months your child will start showing more interest in the differences between girls and boys. If you catch him in the midst of playing doctor with that little cutie from down the street, try not to react with shock or embarrassment.

So, I guess that explains that.

It can be hard to keep up.

2007-02-04T05:31:00.000-08:00

So we're admiring her (still drying - how come if I accidentally leave the lid off some play doh it's a rock in 30 min, but when we're trying to make sculptures that last they're staying soft for days?) "animals for her friends" and she points to the anatomically correct gingerbread man and says "There's his hoo-hoo! (sooo fascinated by the hoo-hoo's all of a sudden) You have to be veeery careful of boy hoo-hoo's." Now, this gets our attention. What? Careful? Where was this sage advice BEFORE I produced the little terrorists? (Kidding, kidding... most of the time.)

Me: Why do you have to be careful of boy hoo-hoo's?

Jayne: Because you could accidentally hurt them!

(Ok, this is sounding familiar now. I think Joe gave her a lecture once after she stepped directly on his very own "boy hoo-hoo". The kid weighs 36lbs. Think about it for a while. Then (if you're a woman), laugh.)

M: Ohhhhh. You're right. You do have to be careful.

J: You also should be careful of mud!

M: Why?

J: So you don't get the muddy foot!

M: (laughing)

J: And you need to be careful of noodles!

M: (still laughing - gestures for her to explain)

J: So you don't get the saucy foot!

Sometimes it can be hard to keep up with these conversations. Maybe this is what being on drugs is like? Hey, folks! Want a "trip", but don't want to worry about that pesky drug test your company administers? Have a conversation with a two year old! It promises to be a good time!

Gender roles

2007-02-04T05:28:00.000-08:00

Few things make Jonas as happy as wearing one of Jaynie's tiaras. He loves them. So sparkly and pretty! He makes a beeline for it, grabs it, and puts it right on his head (to be fair, he also does this with the fireman hats.) I think he looks soooooooooo flippin cute wearing one of his little manly man outfits topped off with a pink and purple rhinestone tiara.

Every now and then I catch Joe looking at him, and it's like I can read his thoughts... "So, if we had had the boy first, would I have two kids who liked sports? Instead of two kids who like to dress like Cinderella?"

Well, she does have a point...

2007-02-04T05:24:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, from the backseat...

"My eyeballs are very, very beautiful. I kind of have princessy eyeballs. And Daddy? Has handsome eyeballs. Because he is kind of my prince, and princes are handsome. All of them. Even their eyeballs. "

It gets better and better!

2007-02-04T01:48:00.000-08:00

Yesterday at market...

Jaynie: Look at that man! He is a boy! He has a boy hoo-hoo, on the outside!

(I am sooo thankful for the language barrier, and the fact she shouted this out in town instead of on base where everyone would've understood her. Right - I'm off to discuss what we talk about at HOME, and what we can talk about in PUBLIC.)

Family Update...

2007-02-04T01:26:00.000-08:00

Joe: Has two papers due tomorrow. Has barely started. Is looking at a laaaaaaaaaate night. Also? I just pulled an crazy eyebrow hair off of him. It was twice as long as the others, curly, and grey. And to think he gave me crap about a grey hair just yesterday. At least I don't have old man eyebrows, Gramps.

Jenn: I bought a jogging stroller yesterday. In response to this threat my right knee started making this incredibly loud and disturbing clickPOP sound when I went up or down the stairs. Note please, that I haven't actually started jogging yet. I just bought the stroller. That's how much my body hates to run - it's taking a preemptive strike by injuring itself before I can even start.

Jaynie: Woke up dry this morning - for the second day in a row. The kid has been day-time potty-trained since last April, but still soaking through dipes at night. Last Tuesday I decided to do some guerrilla night-training and started putting her down in panties. 3 wet nights, then dry, dry, dry. No, I'm not delusional to think we won't have any more accidents, but man - the lack of laundry these past 2 days has been fab-u-lous.

Jonas: Stands up all the time now. All by himself. He doesn't need any help, and he's sooo pleased with himself when he does it. He'll stand there laughing and laughing. If I get out the camera and say "Jonas! Stand up!" he will, then he will totally ham it up. (Pics forthcoming) He still shows no desire to step forward. He'll "walk" around if you hold his hands, but right now he's pretty pleased with crawling at the speed of sound, then standing up to laugh and yell "Ay-NEE! DAD! BOB!" (Why oh why am I still Bob?)

The cats: Are staying with my Mom for a while longer. Sucker.

Forget pitter-patter...

2007-02-02T14:44:00.000-08:00

Give me a baby belly laugh any day. Jaynie was cute, don't get me wrong. She had chubs and drool and the whole bit. She was one chompable baby. You know what she was missing, though? Laughter. Giggling. Chortles. Snickers. Actual happy sounds. She would look like she was laughing, but always on mute. No noise came out when you tickled her, or when the cat got close enough to touch, or when Daddy beeped his own nose. Just silent appreciation.

Jonas? Is a laugh riot. In the morning I can hear him in his bed, cracking up because he woke up to his tiger. You give his chubs a squeeze and he's laughing for an hour. Jaynie walks by? Forget it. He laughs all day long.

As if that's not enough - he is also sooo snuggly all of a sudden. He climbs all over me when I'm on the floor, trying to find the way to be closest to me. He likes to go find a small toy, then come back and sprawl in my lap playing with it. If he catches me watching him from across the room, he immediately starts blowing kisses. The. Sweetest. Baby. Ever.

(There is a downside. Just today I hear my lovely little NARC yelling "Oh NO! Mooooommy! Jonas is making a mess!" and go in to find him sitting in front of my open pajama drawer, casually throwing pj's over his shoulders all over the floor. Actually, while I'm thinking about it, those piles are still there....)

Uh oh...

2007-02-02T14:27:00.000-08:00

Last night Jaynie took a hard look at Joe and announced "Hey, Daddy! Our hoo-hoo's are different!" (So much for changing in front of the "baby".) There was a moment when we looked at each other, then he said "That's right - I have a boy hoo-hoo, like Jonas. It's on the outside. You have a girl hoo-hoo, like Mommy. It's on the inside." That was the end of the conversation.

Today we made play-doh again (white flour this time -the purple is actually purple.) Remember when I said she only likes to roll out and cut the stuff? Well - today was a departure from the norm. She rolls it flat, uses the gingerbread man cookie cutter, adds two lumps for "eyes", a crescent "smile".... and a huge glop easily the size of the whole man between it's legs. "That's his hoo-hoo! It's on the outside!"

I won't even describe the "girl" she made later.

Hey crafty Moms!

2007-01-31T02:43:00.000-08:00

If any of you are thinking of making play-doh with your kiddo, I can't recommend it highly enough. The pouring! The stirring! The squishing! The end result - play-doh that is totally soft enough for them to roll flat all on their own (I don't know about your kid, but all mine wants to do is roll it and use cookie-cutters. We haven't really moved on to 3-D design, yet.) It's wonderful. It's magic. It's an entire day's worth of fun.

Here is the recipe we used...

3 cups flour
1 1/2 cups salt
1/4 cup oil
1 cup water (mix food coloring w/ water before adding it to flour mixture)

Mix all ingredients in a bowl. Get kid to knead with hands until smooth. Create. Play. Enjoy.

Quick note (and probably unnecessary - most of you will no doubt go "no DUH" to this, but if it spares just one toddler the disappointment mine felt this morning, then this admission is worth it...) Whole wheat flour? Not a good idea. Purple? Not so much. More like the color of dirty grout, with lots of big brown flecks. Jaynie was unimpressed. Jonas thought it was delish, if a little salty.

Dear Joe,

2007-01-31T02:35:00.000-08:00

Your son, in addition to being a nose-picking mess-making poop terrorist, is also a play-doh eater. Come home soon. Please.

Love,
Your incredibly tired wife.

Genius Alert!

2007-01-31T00:11:00.000-08:00

Jonas has started sticking his little pointer finger way, way, waaaay up his nose. I'm talking to the second knuckle, here. It hurts, he cries, I take the finger out of his nose, he cries harder and puts it back. It's a vicious cycle.

We usually play this little game while I'm changing his diaper. It's like,"Hey -I've got no toys or anything to play with up here... what can I do... Oh! Hey! Look where I can fit this!" I think he likes the way it feels to his finger, and hasn't figured out yet that it's what's causing the pain in the nose. Genius, I tell you. Nothing like trying to wipe a poopy butt, while simultaneously trying to keep a pointy little finger out of the nose. My life - it's is soooooo glamorous.

Shhhh - she's listening!

2007-01-30T06:37:00.000-08:00

We have to be veeery careful what we say around the Twink. She is always listening. Even if it looks like she's totally engrossed in a book? Listening. (Strangely enough, she doesn't seem to hear me when I tell her to eat her dinner/clean her room/give that toy back to her brother. Huh.)

I cut out all bad words when she was a baby, before she had the chance to repeat them. So imagine my chagrin when she yelled out, in the middle of the Children's Museum, "You FREAKING KIDS!" Whoops.

Or the time she couldn't get a puzzle to go together correctly so exclaimed "Muvver of GOD!" Nice.

But it's not just questionable language she repeats. Example: Jaynie has an unholy fear of the book Hop on Pop! by Dr. Seuss. There's a few pages about Pat, and how Pat should NOT sit on THAT! (It's a cactus.) First we could read the whole book. Then we could read most of the book, but not the "Pat pages". Then we had to make sure she couldn't even see the Pat pages while we skipped them, then, one day, the book was stuffed under the couch and I was told to take it back to the library - WITHOUT SHOWING IT TO HER. Ok.

Anyway - I was telling a friend about this, while Jaynie was across the room playing with other kids. Later that night, she tells her Dad that Hop on Pop is the book that "I literally back away from!" Listening, I tell you. Watch yourselves.

Um... ew. Just ewww.

2007-01-29T09:34:00.000-08:00

Jonas has pooped in the bathtub several times recently. Like four times in one week (twice in one evening - right after Joe scrubbed and refilled the bathtub, he did it again.) As those of you with small children know, this is the grossest thing ever. As those of you with no children can imagine, this is the GROSSEST THING EVER.

So, no more letting them play in the tub while you read a magazine. No more having a conversation with your spouse and not paying explicit attention to the water. No more plucking your eyebrows while the two-year-old washes the baby (not that I would do any of those things.) From now on, we watch that butt. We keep our eye on the butt. Washing Jaynie's hair? Doesn't matter - eye on the butt.

All this is to set you up for this little exchange I just overheard...

Joe: Jaynie! Are you ready!

Jayne: YEAH!

Joe: What are we?

Jaynie: The Poop Patrol!

98.6 degrees, baby!

2007-01-28T13:47:00.000-08:00

The other night Madam tells Joe that she doesn't like to hug me because I'm "hot" and it "burns her". I'm just that hot.

So he explains to her that sometimes hot means hot, but sometimes hot means very very pretty. Again, it's hysterical sometimes what kids are actually thinking (anyone remember Jaynie's "sparkling rainbow ball"?)

So two nights ago we're having dinner and she's screwing around and basically doing anything other than eating and she keeps interrupting us and Joe finally says "Jaynie! Less playing, more eating!" and Jaynie says "I'm not playing! I'm trying to have a little conversation with you!" and then follows that with "Ok, first? Mommy? Is HOT!" Now THAT, my friends, is a dinner-time conversation! Any disappointment I may have felt to learn that she thought she was calling me very very warm is gone. Now she understands it means I'm pretty, and she's down with that.

(The "Mommy is hot" was just the beginning. While we were still laughing in our soup she says "So, Daddy - how was your day?" Holy cow - dinner conversation will never be the same, now that the Twink is a participant.)

The Tap.

2007-01-27T06:18:00.000-08:00

Thanks to my iron-clad excuse (still nursing), I get to put Jonas down at night, and Joe gets the joy? privilege? honor? of tucking Jaynie in (Oooh - sorry hon! I would totally trade you if I could! No, really! What? He's one and I can wean now? Huh? You're breaking up, Joe - I can't hear you...)

Sometimes Jaynie asks for extra stories. Sometimes she tries to turn on the charm. Sometimes she asks him to climb into her (tiny twin-sized) bed and snuggle her.

Sometimes, she asks him to leave.

"Daddy, you have to go now. You have to go away, Daddy. Mommy's calling you." (Extra funny, considering I was happily watching TV with nobody there to argue about what show was on.)

This has happened to him a couple of times. He'll come out looking all defeated, and when questioned admit that Madam has given him "the tap". She's asked him to leave. She's "all done snuggling" him. Ciao, Daddy. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

This has, obviously, never happened to me. (For one thing, I'm a lot softer and more comfy to snuggle than Joe. We call that a silver lining, people.)

10 minutes ago I was trying to get the Twink to go to sleep. Usually this is a breeze. I "hypnotize" her. I talk about her body falling to sleep part by part, starting with the toes (You're toes are so warm and comfy. They are holding very still. They are not wiggling, they are not moving, they are just relaxed and ready for the nap....) Generally she's asleep before I get to the belly-button.

Not today. I walk in and say "I'm going to talk about your parts now." and she says "NO! Daddy ALREADY did that!" (Damn it, Joe! You obviously didn't do a real bang-up job! How about leaving these things to the professionals from now on?) So I ask her if instead I can just snuggle her. She's all for that - scoots over, holds back the blanket - heck yeah I can snuggle her! So I'm telling her to stop moving and I'm telling her to keep her eyes closed and I'm telling her to take deep breaths and then it happens. The tap.

"Mommy? I want you to go away."

What? Huh?

"Daddy is all by himself out there. I want you to go away so Daddy isn't by himself."

Me: Jaynie - Daddy's fine. He's on the computer. He doesn't need me.

Jaynie: Well, then you should be cleaning. (I swear, I am not making this up.)

M: Whaaaaaaaaat?

J: If Daddy is on the computer then you should do some cleaning because Daddy likes a clean house and this house is not clean. This house? Is dirty. You should go away and clean something, Mommy.

I guess I'm off to do the dishes.

Awwwwwwwww....

2007-01-24T05:34:00.000-08:00

Today while I'm getting the kiddos ready to nap, Jaynie announces "There are lots of cute babies out there, but Jonas is the cutest one of all!" (Yes - due to the fact that he is still not walking, he TOTALLY counts as a baby. You can't be a toddler while you're crawling. It's the law or something.)

Anyway - back to the lovefest. She says he's so cute, then she gets down on the floor to hug him and kind of ends up on her back while he lays his head on her. So sweet. I say "You love your brother, huh?" and she's like "Yes, I love him sooo much. Also, I love you, and also I love Daddy. I care about all of you."

"I care about all of you"??? Has she been watching Hallmark movies without me or something?

Hot monkey, anyone?

2007-01-22T02:25:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, as I'm strapping Madam into her carseat, she looks up and asks me "Mommy? Do you renember last morning when I was in my Princess Jewelianana costume and I made everybody into things with magic like debils and butterflies and stuff, and then when I was done I made you all back into your normal selves?"

She's talking about Halloween. Jaynie has a very fluid definition of "last morning", it basically means "anytime before right now."

So I told her yes, of course I remember that. She says "Maybe when we get home, I can put my costume on and get my wand and turn you into something with my magic! Maybe a monkey!" Then she leans in reeeaaal close - nose to nose - and says "A Hhhhot monkey!"

That's me, folks. Hot monkey. Not average-looking monkey. Not kinda-pretty monkey. Not even beautiful monkey. HOT monkey. Beat that.

You stole my cashews!

2007-01-20T15:29:00.000-08:00

Today Madam didn't take a nap. She slipped in under the radar somehow. Generally speaking, if she's not sleeping she's making a ton of noise. Makes it easy to tell she's still awake, so I can go in and deal with it. Not today. Today she was silent, but awake (this alone deserves a blog entry - who knew she was capable of being both silent and awake at the same time? Mark January 20 on your calendars, people!)

The result of no nap is, of course, a cranky kid. Rather than having a short fuse, she has no fuse. (She also has no volume control. I can only say "library voice!" so many times before we just have to leave.)

So we're in the car, and she's having a snack of mixed nuts. Cashews, almonds, pecans. She eats all the cashews out and then gets pissed that there are no more, she says she doesn't want the rest blahblahblah I take the cup from her... five minutes later she starts bawling unexpectedly. What? What on earth is wrong? "I want my almonds!" Well ok! For the love of Pete - just ask for them! Joe is trying to explain the difference between a real reason to cry and crying over something stupid (good luck there, hon), when she yells "I'm CRYING because Mommy TOOK MY CASHEWS!"

Me: I did not!

Joe: turns head to laugh - almost drives off the road

Jaynie: You DID TOO! YOU STOLE THEM!

How do you argue here? When you're being screeched at from the backseat? Unfairly accused of being a cashew thief?

Just when Joe and I start to get it together she announces, in the saddest voice on the planet, that she's "not crying anymore, but I still just have a little tear on my cheek. And I'm still using my crying voice."

Sometimes I'm tempted to let her skip her nap on purpose - just so I have all this good blog fodder.

Mooooo

2007-01-20T15:19:00.000-08:00

In our fridge, there are four gallons of skim milk, one gallon of whole, and one gallon of soy. The fact that they're in half-gallon cartons makes it look even more impressive - 12 containers of milk! In one fridge!

Best part? Joe checks the expiration date, looks at the calendar, and says "You should have bought more milk..."

Where does she get this stuff?

2007-01-19T09:44:00.000-08:00

I've introduced Madam to the art of graffiti (our landlord would be so pleased.) The rules are simple - ONLY outside, and ONLY with chalk. Do we draw with chalk on the walls inside? No! Do we draw with crayon on the walls outside? No! When is it ok to draw on the walls? "Outside, with chalk, Mommy!" Good girl.

So the other day she was drawing a picture "For Daddy! To surprise him when he gets home!" It was hot pink and lots of big swirls and swoops. He gets home and she proudly shows it to him - "I drew you a picture, Daddy! It's a picture of me dying my hair!"

What?

So today we're looking at this picture again, and again I ask her what it's a picture of. "It's of me, dying my hair." Ok... what exactly *is* "dying your hair", Twink? Hmmmm? "Dying your hair is when you put paint in your hair, and rub it in, then wash it all out. That's dying your hair."

Not a bad description.

Here's the thing - I haven't dyed my hair since before getting pregnant with Jonas (I know, I've totally let myself go.) So where is she getting this knowledge? I tried to get it out of her - "Where did you hear that? Who told you that?" and she just says "Nobody told me, I just know that. All by myself I just know."

Is she some kind of hair prodigy? Is she destined to own her own chain of salons? (I kind of think she's destined to be a politician. She never shuts up or concedes a point - sounds like a winning combo for D.C.) The best part of this is that she has no actual idea what "dying your hair" does to it. I tried and tried to lead her to the answer - "So, if your hair is brown and you dye it, what will be different about it?" but she has no clue. "It won't be different, it will just be DYED!"

I'm off to find out what else she knows all about, "all by herself".

How very silly of me.

2007-01-19T02:43:00.000-08:00

Recently I was trying to get Madam to eat her veggies, in the time-honored tradition of claiming they would make her "big and strong". She looked completely unimpressed. Who wants to be big and strong anyway? I had an idea -

Eat up! They'll make you smart and beautiful!

Mom! I'm already smart and beautiful, hello! (Yeeeah - she's adopted my use of the word "hello!" at the end of a sentence. Smart ass.)

(I'm trying to keep a straight face. A "Eat your veggies right this minute" face. It's a losing battle.)

Look at me! (Frantically gestures to herself. Kind of Vanna White - big sweeping arm movements.) Look at how beautiful I am! And I'm the smartest kiddo ever! I don't need to be MORE smart and beautiful!

Maybe I should've told her they'd make her humble and modest.

Jonas

2007-01-19T02:31:00.000-08:00

Is easily the yummiest boy on the planet. He's such a little copy-cat. If he gets his hands on a crayon, he immediately puts it to paper and scribbles. Hand him a spoon and he'll put it right in his mouth. He's mastered crawling into the firetruck and "driving" it - he loves honking the horns and running the siren. He's moving slower than the Twink did when it comes to crawling/standing/walking, but all these little things that took her so much longer he has a serious head start on. Because he watches her. Every second of every day. Yesterday he casually crawled by wearing one of her tiaras. When I asked had she put it on him the answer was "WHAT? WHYYYYYYYYY IS JONAS WEARING MY TIARA!", so I have to assume he found it and put it on himself. (He's very comfortable with his masculinity - if any boy could pull off a sparkly tiara with a picture of Ariel on it, it's him.)

His first word was "AY-NEE!", bellowed out when she dared to walk away from him. He now also says Dada and Mama, but most of the time still calls me "Bob" (???????) His favorite thing in the world (after his sister) is his stuffed tiger - he must have it to sleep. His favorite toys to play with are these cars that Aunty Suz sent (from the movie "Cars") that say stuff like "HEY! Watch the fenders! Ow!" etc etc. when you bang them around. He'll *pick it up, toss it to the floor to hear it yell, crawl over to it* repeat from * all over the house. (Julie and Tracey - you like that description? Hee.)

Last night he stood for the first time with absolutely no assistance. He got up on his knees and looked like he wanted to stand, so I put out my hands and he reached for them... then stood on his own without taking them. He looked as surprised as me. Then he took my hands and walked across the room to Joe, laughing all the way. Won't be long now. Sigh.

Show a little respect, Mom!

2007-01-19T02:16:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, the kids and I were in the car when we were suddenly overcome by a "yucky poopy smell". The following is an actual conversation between the Twink and I....

Me: Holy cow! What is that smell? Jaynie - did you fart?

Jaynie: Noooo... but I do smell a yucky poopy smell, Mommy. I think maybe Jonas went poopy in his diaper!

Jonas: [says nothing because he's sleeping the sleep of the innocent]

Me: So, it was Jonas?

Jaynie: Yes, yes I think it must have been Jonas. He's a stinky boy!

[Loud fart sound comes directly from Madam's side of the back seat]

Me: Jaynie! You did it again!

Jaynie: [giggling] Whoops! Mi scusi!

Me: Man, Jaynie - you are a fart monster!

Jaynie: [extremely indignant] I am NOT a fart monster..... I am a fart PRINCESS!

Well, there you go.

So much cuteness, so few posts...

2007-01-19T02:07:00.000-08:00

I am not even going to attempt to play catch up on this blog. I'm moving forward. Yes - the kids have done many, many cute things since June. Yes, Jaynie has said many funny things. Do I remember all of them? No. Do I feel guilty about this? Of course. I'm a Mom, hello. Guilt is my middle name. Am I going to apologize for it? Nope. International move, people! The blog suffered, yes, but I'm here now to make up for lost time. Cuteness abounds here at Chez Moore, and it's time to get blogging again...

Karma

2006-06-11T11:19:00.000-07:00

Joe is constantly telling Jaynie not to stand on chairs. "Jaynie! What are chairs for?!" (answer: "for sitting") is something you hear around here all the time.

Today she climbed up onto her little frog chair, and Joe asks "Jaynie? What is that you're standing on?" and without missing a beat she says "A stool." Yup. Not a chair, cause that would be against the rules. It was clearly a chair-shaped stool.

So I turn my head and am trying to laugh as quietly as possible, but I guess I didn't go undetected because next she says "You're killing me, Mommy!"

It was right about then that the chair tipped over and she fell on her head on the wood floor. 5 minutes, many tears, and a popsicle later Joe asks her "Jaynie - do you know what karma is?"

A Whole New World

2006-05-31T18:28:00.000-07:00

Today I bribed Jaynie with M&M's so she'd entertain her brother while I showered. It's not the first time I've done this, either. It's not something I'm proud of, but at least I'm clean.

When we first brought Jonas home, I spent a lot of time and energy into keeping him safe from her. Never leaving them together in a room unattended. If I had to use the bathroom or switch loads of laundry or whatever, I would either bring Jaynie with me or make sure Jonas was in a room she couldn't get into. Now I'm lugging his exersaucer into her room, announcing that he's going to watch her play while I take a shower, and asking her to "come get me if he starts crying". Amazing.

(She did a pretty good job of keeping him entertained, too. She was pretending to be Miss Cathy (the leader of her guided playgroup) and all her stuffed animals were "the other kids". She was doing "Happy and You Know It" when I left the room. Jonas thinks she's great.)

About 5 min. into my shower she barged into the bathroom and started telling me an elaborate story about her elephant (named Manny, thanks to Ice Age 2). I interrupted and told her to go tell the story to Jonas - she was supposed to be watching him. She looks me in the eye and says "That's crazy talk, Mommy." Honestly. I don't know where she gets these things.

(It was right about then that I said "If you go back in there and keep him happy, I'll give you TWO M&M's!" She looked at me for a beat, said "Oh, OKAY!" and ran off. When I found them she was singing Wheels on the Bus and he was laughing and drooling.

Slacker Mom

2006-04-12T12:03:00.000-07:00

It's been pointed out that I haven't updated in quite some time. While I was posting my defense (potty training one while nursing another doesn't leave a lot of blog-posting time) (which is really a shame because it does make for LOTS of blog-worthy stories) Jaynie (who was in her crib supposedly napping) pooped in her diaper, TOOK IT OFF, then started yelling for me that she had to poop in the potty. When I got down there she had already peed and was really upset about it. So she's standing on wet sheets, crying because she didn't make it to the potty, then points to her diaper and says "There's poopy in there." Yeah. This is why the blog is slowing down.

Like Princess Jewelianana!

2006-03-17T18:06:00.000-08:00

Jaynie has this book - "Princess Jeweliana and the Sparkling Rainbow Ball" (pronounced "Jewelianana" by the Twink.) She loves it. It's the favorite right now. She insists on having it read before every nap, and at bedtime each night.

It never occurred to us that she didn't know what a "ball" was, until she turned to Joe one night and asked for a "sparkly rainbow ball - like Princess Jewelianana!"

The next day I was in Target and as I walked past the big bin of playground balls, I spotted a swirly multi-colored one buried under the solids. I had to stick practically my entire body in there to get to it, but it found it's way home.

Jaynie took one look at it and squealed "It's a sparkly rainbow ball! Like Princess Jewelianana! THANK YOU, MOMMY!"

I did good. =)

Domestic Goddess

2006-03-17T18:01:00.000-08:00

This morning I pulled a Colorform out of the dryer. It's perfectly fine, just cleaner than when it went in.

A couple of weeks ago a binky fell out with the clean laundry. I have to assume it was hiding in a pocket. Washed and dried.

The winner, however, would have to be this entry by Joe (when I was telling him about the binky...) "That's nothing! Last week I found an empty Diet Coke can in the washer when I went to switch loads!"

Good thing we're so careful about seperating our loads. Whites, colors, aluminum cans...

The day the changing table bit the dust...

2006-03-14T17:44:00.000-08:00

Some days, life with the kidlets is so smooth and easy and fun. Some days, they don't let me eat or go to the bathroom. I was having one of the latter.

Jonas was awake way past nap time, and was screaming bloody murder. I thought he was just overtired, and was trying everything in my Mommy arsenol to get him to go to sleep. After watching him start to doze off then wake back up and scream some more approximately 13 times, it occurred to me to figure out what was bothering him. In a word? Poop.

So now I've got a clean, dry, severely cranky and overtired baby on my hands. I'm bouncing him on the ball, and he's falling asleep for real when Jaynie comes running in, yelling "ARE YOU SLEEPING YET, BABY JONAS? ARE YOU TAKING YOUR NAP???" Sigh.

So after a few of these helpful conversations, I start begging her. "Please. Please Jaynie. Please just go play in your room for a few minutes. Please."

She runs off, Jonas starts dozing, I put him in the bed and start to sneak out of the room. Two things happen - 1) Jonas starts screaming ("How DARE you leave me in this room alone! Get your boobs back in here!"), and I spot Madam standing on top of her changing table. Needless to say, Jonas lost out on that one.

I rush in and survey the situation. Seems that even though we removed the shelf from the table months ago after she figured out how to climb it, she can now get up there again. We have a little shelf mounted on the wall above it where we keep diapers, wipes, creams, etc. She was reaching up, trying to open the wipes, when I got there. I told her no and put my hand on the box... and came away with a very greasy hand.

I look at it. It's covered in Vaseline. Uh oh.

I look at her. She has two handfuls, its all over her face, in her hair, and on her shirt. She says to me, and I quote... "I need a wipe!"

Yeah - it's funny now. At the time, with Jonas screaming bloody murder in the next room? Not so freaking funny. Sometimes I worry that I might actually not survive this Mommy thing. I suspect they're trying to kill me. Slowly.

Actual conversation...

2006-02-24T15:25:00.000-08:00

Jaynie: Baby Jonas is a little Winnie the Pooh!

Me: Oh, he is, is he?

Jaynie: Yes! And Jaynie is a little Tigger!

Me: Mmm hmmm...

Jaynie: And Mommy is a BIG PIGLET!

Me:

Do you know...

2006-02-20T09:05:00.000-08:00

the Muffin Man? That lives on Norma Ct?

I freaking love this picture. It's like he's saying "Ha! I got milk boob! I get it whenever I want!" I swear, he's actually taunting Joe in this picture.

He is the sweetest little muffin man on the planet. He's awake and smiley more and more lately, and we're all having a blast with him. The fun thing about baby #2 is, for the first month they really just sleep in the bouncy a lot, which gives you plenty of time to ease baby #1's fears about sharing your attention. Jonas was basically ignored for the first 5 - 6 weeks of his life, unless he was getting fed, changed, or Jaynie was asleep. Even when I was holding him I was paying attention to her. If I so much as looked at him she would start demanding "MOMMY WATCH JAYNIE!!!"

Then, just when she's getting comfortable sharing me, he starts to wake up and pay attention! So much fun! The three of us cuddle and play in the bed together every morning. Both of them wake up in good moods, and there is much smiling and giggling (from her) and cooing (from him) and tearing up (happy mommy tears from me). She loves to sing to him or read him books, and he follows her with his eyes whenever she's in the room. He's always smiling at her, which causes her to yell "Baby Jonas is smiling at Big Sister Jaynie! Baby Jonas LOVES Big Sister Jaynie!" in delight.

Jonas's major drawback is that he has reflux. I cannot begin to describe how tired I am of changing both him and me several times a day. He's like a hot milk dispenser. Or, if it's been a while since he ate and he's had time to work on it a bit - a hot cottage cheese dispenser. What joy.

He sleeps in his hammock for about 5 - 6 hours a night, and in bed with us the rest of the time. This isn't because of him, it's because of me. He wakes up wanting to eat around 2 or 3am, and I bring him to bed then fall asleep feeding him. Hence the co-sleeping. Sometimes (like once in the past 2 weeks) I wake up when he's done and put him back to bed. I'm working on it.

We don't have a room for him in this house because we knew we'd be moving before he turned 6 months old, and he'll be in the hammock for at least that long. I figured why move a bunch of stuff around in the guest room when his hammock fits so nicely next to our bed. Makes night time feedings that much easier, too. Well - then I got to know the wonder that is this noisy sleeping baby. He grunts. He snorts. He randomly babbles. This kid makes more noise while sound asleep between the hours of 9 and 3 then he does for the rest of the day. I may have to look into moving some furniture around. Soon.

He has what we call his "proximity alarm", that goes off when I enter or leave the room. Example - he can be sleeping soundly in the bouncy next to Joe, then I walk in to check on him and 3 seconds later he's stirring and whining and waking up. Whoops. Conversely, I can be laying next to him in bed (not touching - like a foot apart) and he'll be sleeping through Joe and Jaynie coming and going, but if I get up and leave... WAAAH! Sometimes he wakes up if I roll over and put my back to him. (Which makes me wonder if he's not attuned to my location, but the location of my boobs. Hmmm.)

He's already outgrown several 0-3 sized clothing items. Many of which he never actually wore. Sigh. My baby getting bigger already.

He suddenly has chunky thighs. I love them. Little tiny feet, big chubby thighs. Diaper changes are getting longer and longer as I am spending more and more time admiring his feet (usually covered in footie pj's) and chubs.

We're cloth diapering both of them, and I have to say I wish I'd done it when Jaynie was born. CD'ing a newborn is so wonderful. All that runny breastmilk poop that used to escape Jaynie's diaper and get on her clothes, carseat, bed, my lap, my bed, her swing, her playmat, the carpet, the cat, etc - the cloth diaper holds it in, no problem. We have had exactly 2 blowouts, and neither were all that bad (and neither of them were when *I* put on the diaper, so I blame user error instead of the product.) Everyone thinks CD'ing means gross laundry - lemme tell you, I'd rather wash poopy diapers than poopy freaking everything else because the diaper doesn't work. Either way I'm washing poop. W/ CD's, I'm not also scrubbing it out of upholstery. Ok, cloth advertisement over. :)

Well, that's all the time I have for you folks today. Mr. Muffin himself is demanding I get up from this chair and come play with him. How can I resist?

Trick questions

2006-02-20T09:00:00.000-08:00

There's an old Calvin and Hobbes strip that is one of my favorites - Calvin's mom walks in on him while he's hammering nails into the coffee table. She shrieks "WHAT ARE YOU DOING???" He looks at her, looks at the nails, looks back at her and asks "Is this a trick question?"

Jaynie does this all the time now. The question "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" has recently been answered with...

Feeding Georgie a Cheerio!
Climbing the chair!
Standing on the table!
Licking the TV! (my favorite)
Sitting in Baby Jonas's chair!
Chasing Victoria!
Going pee-pee on the floor!
Pouring water on the table!
Spitting!
Splashing in the milk! (from her cereal bowl)
Tearing the paper!

Etc, etc. She's a holy terror. She sure is cute, though.

Hey Baby Jonas!

2006-01-08T18:39:00.000-08:00

"Hey Baby Jonas! That's (pointing to her own chest) Big Sister Jaynie!"

How cute are these kids, I ask you?

The day after Christmas we all went to the zoo to try and walk walk walk me into labor starting. Apparently it worked, because at about 12:45 (about 3 minutes after I lay down and closed my eyes - nice) my water broke.

Suz was supposed to be there for the birth, but we figured it was already 1am, Jaynie wakes up before 7am, no way was I going to have a baby in less than 6 hours. Right? Right? So we left her there w/ Madam. The plan was once Jaynie woke up a friend would come get her and Suz would meet us at the hospital in time for all the exciting parts.

Well - so much for plans. When we got to the hospital I was already feeling some pretty freaking serious contractions, and the nurse checked and reported that I was at 4cm. Less than an hour later I was at 6cm. I then had one long contraction that lasted about 30 minutes and almost killed me, and at the end of it I was fully dialated.

It was at this point that they called the Dr. and woke him up and told him to get dressed and make the 20 minute drive to the hospital. Yeah, you read that right.

The room was full of nurses telling me not to push, explaining to me how to control myself (yeah, cause blowing out is just as good - who needs to push, anyway), telling me to wait for Dr. Wood, etc. I spent the entire time trying to negotiate with them. Joe does an excellent imitation of this. ("Explain to me why I have to wait for the Dr? You girls look capable of catching a baby. Get your gloves on." They tried to tell me he had to be there in case there was something wrong with the baby. "He's not a pediatrition. You have those on staff. He's just for me, and I'm perfectly happy being in your care. Now, get down there because I'm about to push this baby out.")

Dr. Wood showed up and there was a really funny few seconds where the nurse that had been telling me no no no lifted my leg and started counting like I should be pushing, and I had to tell her that I wasn't having a contraction right then. Then they started again and I got down to business. 3 contractions and he was out. We won't discuss the injury he inflicted on me on the way out. Let's just say I now feel silly for worrying about what form of birth control I was going to use after the baby was born.

Jonas Nathaniel Moore was born at 3:46 am (Yes, for those doing the math - 3 hours after my water broke. Apparently, he was in a hurry.) on Dec. 27, 2005. He weighed 8lbs 12oz, and was the biggest baby in the hospital (considering the fact that I'm currently sitting on a pillow... these women who have 6lb babies may be on to something.) He's 21 inches long, has lots of dark brown hair, dark eyes who's color is still a mystery, and is yummy and smoochable all over.

Joe and I are both amazed at how easy he is to take care of. We seem to recall the first few weeks being absolute hell w/ Jaynie, and now we have this tiny baby who just eats and sleeps and that's really it and we're like "Was she this easy too? Are we better at this this time? Are we remembering wrong?" Seriously - during the first 2 weeks of Jaynie's life we looked at eachother more than once and said "Maybe we only have one kid." How did people do this with a toddler running around? Well, now I know the answer. The toddler is where all your time and energy goes - not the newborn. He wakes up in the morning when Jaynie does, and nurses while she watches some cartoons in Mommy's bed. Then he sits in his vibrating chair while she and I eat breakfast, get dressed, etc. Just when she's starting to wind down from playing, he's ready to eat again so we all go sit on the couch and watch "Sleeping Bluety" while I nurse him. Then he goes back in the chair while she and I have lunch. Then it's nap time for everyone. Jaynie sleeps in her crib, Jonas sleeps either in his hammock or snuggling with me.

When we wake up there is more movie watching/nursing/cuddling action. Then we play until it's time to make dinner. Jonas sits in his chair up on the table and stares at the chandelier while we eat. After dinner it's bathtime for everyone. Jaynie's in the tub and Jonas on the floor getting a sponge bath (he still has the cord thingy.) Joe takes Jaynie, I take Jonas. Jaynie tells me what songs to sing to "make Baby Jonas feel better" if he starts crying. They both get the lotion rub down and pj's on in the bathroom, then we say night-night to Big Sister, and Jonas and I settle in for another nursing session.

Sometimes he goes down then, sometimes he stays up and eats like 4 more times then goes down right before I do. What he does do is sleep sleep sleep. Last night he slept for almost 6 hours before I woke up leaking and had to get him up to eat. I'm not sure what I did to deseve such a good baby, but I'll take it.

Jaynie calls him "Jaynie's Baby Jonas". She gives him pats to the head, holds his hand, gives him kisses on the forehead or "little feeties", wants to hold him, wants him to watch her ("Baby Jonas watch Jaynie!") and in general acts crazy about him. She'll tell you that he's a little baby so he needs "lots of naps, and lots of milk" (sometimes she qualifies that as "lots of milk... from Mommy's boobies!") When he cries she'll tell me "He's so hungry, Mommy! He needs some milk!" The first few times she saw me nurse him she wasn't thrilled about it. She'd lean in close and watch him sucking and start yelling "Stop! Stop!" We're not sure if she thought he was hurting me or what, but she's gotten used to it now. In fact, I think she tries to talk me into nursing him more frequently than he needs it, because she knows it means I'll turn on a movie and cuddle her on the couch.

I am in Mommy heaven. These kids are so yummy, I could just eat them up. Jaynie is still a little trigger happy from my long absence at the hospital. If I could sum up the past few days in 3 words they would have to be "Jaynie HOOOOOOLD Mommy!" But she's starting to mellow out a bit and is more willing to give me room to breathe. My little family of four is having fun.

I'm a ticking time bomb

2005-12-22T21:06:00.000-08:00

That's how it feels, anyhow. We're seriously hoping that this baby waits until after Christmas to make his appearance. Last week I was a frenzy of activity, making sure everything was ready for him, convinced he'd come any moment. Now that we're so close to the holiday I've been laying around trying to explain to him that his birthday will be tons more fun for him if it isn't the same day as the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year.

I am absolutely the largest pregnant woman on the planet. I was telling Joe this morning - when I was pregnant with Jaynie I could still fit into my non-maternity oversized sweatshirts. They were sung where once they were loose, yes, but they covered me. I tried to put one on today - it covered my arms and boobs and that was it. There was no pulling that waist-band down over my belly. I suspect I'm carrying the Hulk in here.

I've been telling Jaynie the story of her brother's birth. She knows he's in Mommy's belly, she knows that one day she'll get to go "play with Alex at Miss Stacey's house" while Mommy and Daddy go to the doctor. And then Daddy will come get her and bring her to see Mommy and the Baby Brother OUTSIDE of Mommy's belly. And then he'll come home and sit in the "baby chair" (a bouncy seat I have out in the living room), and he'll use a "little tiny binky" and he'll probably go "wah wah wah" because he's just a baby. She has it all figured out. Ha. You notice I left out the parts about him pooping 12 times a day and waking her up at night.

She annouced today that there were only 2 days until "Aunty Suz comes hoooome". Who knew she was counting down the days! "Aunty Suz comes home, and Santa brings Jaynie LOTS OF PRESENTS!" Should be a good day. (If I'm not in the hospital. STAY PUT, BABY!!!)

Right, then. I hear some Cocoa Pebbles calling my name. As Jaynie says - "Feliz Latidad" to you all.

Dear Future Jaynie...

2005-12-22T20:58:00.000-08:00

Hi Honey, it's Mom. If you have been looking through photo albums or the saved version of the website or watching home movies lately, and are wondering why there was a serious drop in the number of pictures taken of you right around the time your brother was born, don't blame him. Don't blame your Dad or me, either. You know why we hardly get any pics of you anymore?

BECAUSE YOU'RE A PAIN IN THE BUTT!!!

Every time I get the camera out you rush me, trying to get it. "JAYNIE TAKE THE PICTURE! JAYNIE TAKE THE PICTURE! JAYNIE HOOOOOLD CAMERA!"

Today you looked so cute in your little Christmas shirt and pants. I got a few pictures of the floor, and one of the ceiling while wrestling over the camera with you.

Then you wanted to put on your Nemo costume. I did get a couple of the back or side of you, but once you turned my way? All I have is one of you screaming at me (which is actually pretty cute and will be making an appearance on the website.)

When you insisted on trying on my maternity pj's and wandering around, lost in all the fabric? More ceiling and floor shots.

I give up.

Jaynie-isms

2005-12-21T17:41:00.000-08:00

Tonight after dinner Jaynie picked up my phone, pulled out the antennae, pushed several buttons, held it to her ear, and said - "Hello? Blah blah blah. I'd like a cheeseburger, pleeeaaase."

This event was obviously blog- worthy, as it had both Joe and I near tears (well, I was near tears - Joe was too busy asking me "How often do you take this kid through the drive through?!?!) It also made me realize it's been a while, and she says all kinds of cute things that need to be recorded for posterity. Of the top of my head...

Sleeping Bloofy

On Comet and Q-tip and Donner and Litzen

Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin (ok, she pronouces this correctly, but it's cute enough to include here.)

She can sing the 12 days of Christmas. Seriously - starting from about 10 down she's got it. "10 Lords a leaping, 9 ladies dancing.... an a porridge in a pear-eeey"

Jaynie's version of counting to ten - "One, two, three, four, five, eight, nine, ten. (pause) six and seven. (pause) ELEVEN!"

She's big on throwing around the words "also" and "too". "Mommy has brown hair, toooooo." She's learning her letters and will look at her ABC book and say something like "C is for cow, also car tooooooo."

There are more. There are hundreds of thousands of cute things she says, but that's all I've got for now. I'd promise to do better keeping up with this, but considering I'm going to have twice the trouble around here any day now, I don't want to make promises I can't keep. Seriously, folks, have you ever tried to chase around an almost-two-year-old while weighing approximately 400lbs? It's not easy. When she runs up to hug my leg I totally lose sight of her. And losing sight of this kid for a second is bad news. She can destroy a room in under 20 seconds if left unattended. (Joe is saying she can destroy it in half the time with my help. He claims he can leave a perfectly clean room and come back less than a minute later to find the two of us playing surrounded by toys and crushed Cheerios. I have no idea what he's talking about.)

She's too cute for her own good.

2005-11-27T19:10:00.000-08:00

Tonight after she was lotioned and pj'd, she didn't quite seem ready for bed, so we read some stories.

First she brought "Home for a Bunny" to Joe and had him read it to her.

Then she brought "The Runaway Bunny" to me. (Theme night?)

Then she got out "Goodnight Moon" (which, btw, has bunnies in it), sat down, said "Jaynie read Moon book!", and "read" the whole thing to us. She has it totally memorized. I could tell that she was using the illustrations to help her remember what came next in some places - it was really impressive. Not to mention SO CUTE! When it was over she said "The End!", put it back on the shelf, and was ready for bed.

(I forgot the part of the evening when I said to her "Go tell Daddy you need your binky" and she ran off, found him, and yelled "BINKY, PLEEEEAAASE!")

Now she's in bed, but she's not quite asleep. She's saying something over and over. Joe and I snuck up to listen at the door, and he finally identified it as "Spoonful of Sugar" from Mary Poppins. What we kept hearing was "SNAP! The job's a game!" She's also saying "He knows, a song, will move the job aloooooong." She's killing me tonight.

Not exactly Miss Manners....

2005-11-27T17:04:00.000-08:00

Last night during dinner Jaynie burped, then excused herself. It was the cutest freaking thing. "Excuuuse me!", then goes right back to eating. Joe and I were trying not to hurt ourselves laughing at it. And what made me especially pleased with us was that neither of us has taught her that. We never said "When you burp, you say excuse me." We must just both be very polite people and she's learning from example. Good to know.

Of course, later when Joe was putting her pj's on she farted. This was a serious fart. This was no lady-like "passing of gas", this was Blazing Saddles quality. Did she excuse herself?

No. She giggled like a maniac, said "Farts!", then laughed out loud. Seems we have some more work to do.

I've always suspected....

2005-11-21T11:08:00.000-08:00

Today over breakfast....

Me: Jaynie, use your spoon, please.

Joe: Like a big girl!

Jaynie: Mommy use a spoon like a big girl! (I was, in fact, eating my Cheerios with a spoon.)

Us: That's right!

Jaynie: Jaynie a big girl, too! (As she takes a bite w/ the spoon.)

Us: That's right!

Jaynie: Daddy a big girl, too! (He was not using a spoon - just standing there looking like a girl, I guess.)

Me: That's right!

Hee hee hee.

She talks in her sleep...

2005-11-12T18:12:00.000-08:00

I've heard some pretty funny stuff come out of her room at 2am, but being that I was asleep too... well, it's hard to remember in the morning. Sue me.

Luckily for this blog, she also talks while she naps. She generally naps for about 2 hours. 45 minutes in, she wakes up just enough to cry a little, maybe say a few ridiculous things, then lay back down. Last week after a trip to the zoo she woke up saying "Monkeys! Monkeys! More monkeys! Jaynie wants the monkeys!" (Apparently we headed for the elephants prematurely.)

Yesterday's is the all-time winner, though. She was in her room and I suddenly hear "ALL DONE!" and I'm thinking "Crap. That was a short nap." (assuming that the "all done" meant "I'm all done with this nap, thanks.")

Then I hear "ALL DONE GEORGE!" and I briefly entertain thoughts of smacking that cat around... till I notice he's on the couch next to me. Not, you know, in her room harassing her.

But the part where I finally figured out she was dreaming? "All done George blow bubbles! Jaynie want the bubbles!"

I'll let you ponder that image for a minute. Apparently, in her dreams, George is a bubble-hog.

And for her next trick...

2005-11-11T18:16:00.000-08:00

This happened a while ago but I forgot to post about it...

I was attempting to pee in private, which I usually have about a 50/50 shot at. Suddenly there is the THUMPTHUMPTHUMP of little feet running down the hall towards the bathroom (not so much a pitter-patter around here - more like a herd of elephants.) She slams open the door, rushes in, throws her arms up over her head, yells "TA DAAAA!".... then runs back out.

I can't make this stuff up, folks. I'm just not that creative.

Time for those parental controls...

2005-11-10T20:07:00.000-08:00

Jaynie naps in her crib now. I finally have got her to the point where I can just lay her down, tell her to go to sleep, leave the room, and she does. It takes usually like 15 minutes of singing/talking/playing with her stuffed animals - but eventually she dozes off.

Problem? On Thursdays I babysit another toddler and she gets the crib. So I've been bringing Madam to my bed on those days, and snuggling her till she passes out. This usually takes considerably longer than if she was alone - like 30 minutes of me laying there with my eyes closed waiting for her to stop playing with my hair, changing position, offering me the binky, giving me kisses, saying "Hi Mommy!" over and over, etc.

Today I decided to see if the drop her off and walk away technique would work in my bed, too. So first we said "Night night" to Riley, and left her in the crib. Then we walked across the hall and I put her in my bed. Gave her a kiss. Gave her a stuffed animal to snuggle. Told her to go to sleep. Left the room.

All was quiet for about 10 minutes. I was out here doing a victory dance when I heard a suspicious noise. Sounded like.... music?

I go down the hall to find my not-even-two-year-old laying in bed, watching The Wiggles on tv - remote by her hand. When I managed to squeak out "What is this?" she casually pointed to the screen and said "Wiggles!" then went back to watching.

I'm going to assume that was the last channel we had on, and that she only managed to A) find the correct remote and B) hit the power button. I refuse to accept that she has mastered channel surfing to find a show she likes.

BTW - I realize I've been slacking on this thing. Jaynie has done and said many, many cute and hysterical things in the past weeks. Bottom line? When you are ginormously pregnant and have no husband around to help out you tend to crash and burn in the evenings right about the time the kiddo does. Blogging takes a backseat to basics like making sure there are clean sippy cups for the next day. I'll try to be better. Promise.

Update on the update

2005-10-16T22:51:00.000-07:00

Since posting that 18 month update, Madam has mastered the ABC's. She sings them all the time. My favorite part is "L M N O P", because when she does it it sounds like "Elmo P". So cute. "Now I sing my A B Ceeeeeeeeee's, next time sing with meeeeeee!" She also recognizes letters as "ABC's". She'll point to big text on signs and say "A, B, C, D...." like she's reading it.

She knows her left from her right. She's officially smarter than me.

Jaynie do it!

2005-10-16T22:47:00.000-07:00

We have officially entered the phase of "Jaynie do it!" Isn't it early for this crap? Shouldn't I have a few more months of cute baby before she turns into a holy terror?

Last week she would say "Jaynie do it!" about getting dressed, but what she meant was "Mommy - you hold out the shirt the correct way, I'll put my arms in the holes." This week she yells JAYNIE DO IT! and means "Mommy - get your HANDS OFF my shirt! I'm putting it on! So what if I'm trying to put it on backwards and upside-down! Didn't you hear me? JAYNIE DO IT!" and on and on and on. She wants to bathe herself, dress herself, climb in the car by herself, climb in her carseat, buckle herself in, mix her own chocolate milk (Yes - I give her chocolate milk. It's Instant Breakfast so I figure it's almost like it's good for her.), clean up her own milk mess, undress herself, turn on the tv, turn off the tv, lotion herself, brush her own teeth.... I'm sure there's more. Those are just the situations in which I heard JAYNIE DO IT today. Thank God it hasn't occurred to her yet to want to change her own diaper. Any day now she's gonna reach for a wipe and I'm going to have a problem.

So much cuteness!

2005-10-16T22:23:00.000-07:00

Joe left last week for a two-week TDY, and Jaynie has been trying to break some kind of record for cuteness since he left.

Monday night -
I put Jaynie down for bed and shut her door. She was babbling and singing to herself in the crib, and I was wandering around the house tidying up (I do do that, sometimes.) When I was right outside her door I sneezed. Whoops.

There was a break in her song, and then I heard "Bless you, Mommy!" Then right back to the ABC's. Cutest. Thing. Ever.

Tuesday night -
Instead of giving her a bath, I brought her in the shower with me. While in there she A) washed her own hair, B) washed her own body, and C) washed me from the knee down (which was really appreciated - I can't see my feet anymore, much less reach them. The only parts she needed help with were her back and her right arm (she couldn't figure out that she needed to switch hands with the sponge - she was trying to reach her right arm with her right hand.)

When we got out she toweled herself dry. How did this happen? Wasn't it just yesterday that she was in the ducky tub?

Thursday evening -
While I'm elbow deep in dinner prep (not really, but I was cutting up raw chicken and had yucky germy hands), Jaynie casually walks past me from the living room to the den. She climbs up on the computer chair, stands up (!!!) and reaches up onto shelves that supposedly she can't reach. She gets the cat clippers, gets down, and strolls back into the living room while telling me "Kitty cat clip nails. Jaynie do it!"

You can imagine how quickly I was trying to wash my hands. Especially when I heard "meOOOWW!" from the living room, followed by "SIT DOWN, GEORGE!"

Now, I ask you - what on earth happened out there that made her think to give the cat a manicure? He was napping, she was watching a video and playing with blocks. At what point did she think to herself "Ya know, I don't believe this cat has had his nails clipped recently..." And how did she come up with, then carry out a detailed plan like that? SHE'S JUST A BABY FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

Last night -
As I drove up to the pick-up window at Little Ceaser's, Jaynie yelled out "PIZZA!!!". She recognized the outside of the building, people! I guess I'll have to start making dinner, instead of just getting dinner.

18 Month Update

2005-09-05T20:30:00.000-07:00

First, the stats....

Weight - 26lbs, 12oz (this would explain the burning arm and sore back when she forces me to lug her around)

Height - 32 1/2 inches

Now the update. This is what Jaynie can do now....

Colors -
She knows red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, black, white, brown, and pink. She's amazing. She constantly points stuff out to me. "Red car! Pink shirt! Purple binky!" It's incredible. The Doctor was very impressed when, during our visit, Jaynie started walking around the room and naming the colors she saw. When I asked if that was normal, she said "No, that's not normal." and gave me a look like "Wow - you're really in for it, now."

Left and Right -
Joe is teaching her Left VS Right. It was decided that he should be in charge, since I still don't know mine. It hasn't clicked for her yet that one entire side of her body is the left and the other is the right, but she's starting to memorize which is her left foot, which is her right hand, etc. So if you ask for one or the other, she'll get it right about 85% of the time. I figure she'll have this nailed by next week. (At which point, Joe informs me, she'll officially be smarter than me.)

Numbers -
Jaynie can count to ten. She can also count to three, and to five. This is important - at first she'd just rattle off onetwothreefourfivesixseveneightnineten every time. Now she's starting to be able to stop at whatever number you ask for. She's also starting to actually count things. I see her all the the time, lining up toys in a row, counting. "Ooooone. Twooooo. Threeeeeee."

Letters -
Jaynie will ask for "ABC's!", and can recite them up to G. If you sing, she'll sing along at odd places - like she knows "Y and Z!" She's also starting to be able to recognize A, B, and C written out.

Body Parts -
She knows head, hair, face, ears, eyes, nose, mouth, forehead, eyebrows, tongue, teeth, cheeks, chin, neck, shoulders, back, chest, belly/tummy, arms, elbows, hands, fingers, butt, legs, knees, feet, and toes. Yesterday she came up to me and did "Heeeeaaad.... knees and toes". She totally skips shoulders, but it's pretty impressive nonetheless. She also has started saying "Mommy's BIG belly!" instead of just "Mommy's belly". Everyone's a critic.

Table Manners -
Jaynie is totally capable of eating with a fork. It's just, most of the time, she chooses not to. She's slowly figuring out the spoon (For a long time she'd just try to spear whatever it was, as if she was using a fork. Not a really effective way to eat yogurt.) I've started giving her a little bowl of ice cream a couple of times a week - I've found that this is really helping with the spoon thing. Seemed all she needed was proper motivation. She feeds herself 100% of the time, even if it is with her hands. She also drinks from a straw like a champ, and is getting better and better at drinking from a normal cup, or out of a water bottle.

Locomotion -
Jaynie can walk, run, dance, evade me by ducking and moving out of reach, spin around, climb onto anything, give hugs, kisses, "swim" in the pool, clap, kick, stomp, wave hi and bye bye, and basically get into and onto everything in the house. She hasn't mastered jumping yet - one foot always stays on the ground (which is actually really, really cute.)

Communication -
Everywhere we go, other parents say to us "Wow. She's talking really well for her age!" A normal conversation will go something like "Mommy open crackers please." (while holding out the zip-lock), or "All done Wiggles (stupid kid show). Hi-Five (other stupid kid show) please!" She's also great at memorization. She will "read" you entire books if she's heard them often enough. Moo, Baa, La La La is the best. She just kind of skips the words she doesn't know, but if you are familiar with it you can totally recognize what she's saying.

She knows animal noises for just about every animal on the planet. Even ones that don't make noise (Example - did you know that the correct answer to "What does the turtle say?" is to make kissy noises? Who knew!)

She's beyond asking to watch a movie. These days, she'll ask me for a specific movie or show, sometimes even for a specific part. The ones she watches regularly (there's a few Sesame Street videos that generally get turned on once a day around here) she knows dialogue, too. She'll be sitting there, happily chatting along with Big Bird, doing all of Grover's lines - it's a riot.

Memory -
Jaynie remembers the people we visited in Florida last month, and will call them by the correct names when she sees a picture. She will remember if I told her she can have ice cream after her nap (and wake up going "Eye Beam! Eye BEAM!") Twice now she has recognized a picture of a baby when I've only told her who that was once. Both stories are identical - she's pointing and saying a word over and over that I can't figure out. Finally she gives me another hint ("Alex pink hat!" "Dakota green bow!") and I get it. She's calling the baby by name. (It should be mentioned that while she sees Alex regularly, this is a pic from last winter and she's unrecognizable as a little muffin swamped by a hat and binky. Dakota she has never actually met, just seen a picture and (apparently!) remembered the name.)

Musical Talents -
One day she started singing and she really hasn't stopped yet. We tend to listen to the same few kid cd's in the car and in her room over and over. A couple of weeks ago she started singing along. Turns out she's really been paying attention, because she knows all the songs. She may not get every word right, but she nails the number of syllables, and she's actually usually in tune. Now she's starting to sing on her own, without the background music. Favorites include Twinkle Twinkle, Baa Baa Black Sheep, and Three Blind Mice. You have not lived until you've heard this kid say "Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full!" So freaking cute. She also dances like a fiend when the mood strikes her. Sometimes, there is no music playing. I guess she hears it in her head.

Vehicle Recognition -
Jaynie can spot "Mommy's car" or "Daddy's car" from a block away. In fact, there was one day a couple of weeks ago that we were pulling into a restaurant parking lot when she yelled "DADDY'S CAR!!!" Turns out Joe was eating lunch there, too. Good thing she spotted it, we might have missed him! When asked, she'll let you know that Daddy's car goes "hoot hoot" and Mommy's car goes "VROOM VROOM!" Joe says "Well - it does have those two extra cylinders."

She also loves to "drive" either car, while they're parked in the driveway. She'll turn the wheel, push all the buttons on the dash, turn all the dials, demand that the radio be playing and then mess with the volume... it's a good time.

Sense of Humor -
This kid cracks herself up. Sometimes, when you ask her for a purple block, she'll bring you a yellow one... then just watch you like "Do you notice anything strange about that block, Mommy?" Then crack up and give me the right one. Also, she laughs at all the appropriate places during her movies. Unfortunately, she also thinks it's hysterical when she either passes gas or burps. She'll laugh then try and do it again. Great.

Fashion Sense -
Jaynie has definite ideas about what she wants to wear every day. If I flat out ask "What do you want to wear today?", a lot of times she'll have an answer. ("Flower dress! Turtle shirt! Dorable outfit!") If I give her choices, she'll really give it some thought before picking. In fact, she likes to hold a shirt or dress up to herself and look in the mirror. I am not making this up. She'll kind of tuck it under her chin and wander off to admire herself.

If I'm folding laundry, or going through some new clothes, or in any way flaunting cute stuff in front of her she'll demand to be changed into the new outfit. She grabs at what she's wearing and announces "ALL DONE!", while simultaniously trying to put the new item on.

She likes to pick out her own shoes. Some days, this spells fashion disaster. Some days, she surprises me. (Last week she was wearing a dress and pink sandals. She saw a purple outfit that she simply HAD to be changed into. A few minutes later I find her in her room, pink sandals off, attempting to put on her new purple ones. Holy cow - she's better at coordinating a look than her father.)

One last thing should be mentioned here - the kid now owns five pairs of sunglasses. (I only have two! What is wrong with this picture?) Every day she lets me know which ones she wants to wear. Sometimes, what she wants are "Daddy's orange glasses!" (big wrap-around shades) that look absolutely ridiculously cute on her. She's a glasses hog - five pairs just aren't enough for a fashionista like her.

I think that's it. And now, I'll leave you with a nice story....

The other day Jaynie heard someone pass gas. She got all excited, looked around, and shouted at the top of her lungs.... "DADDY!!!!!" That's my girl.

Busted by a one-year-old

2005-08-18T19:53:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, we went out for a late lunch at Olive Garden and stuffed our faces. I knew that Jaynie would not be particularly hungry 2 hours later for dinner. For Joe and I it was easy - we just waited till we got hungry later. But for Madam, who needs to be in bed before 7pm or she turns into a pumpkin? No late dinner for her.

So, I tried to get her to eat, and to supplement her tiny meal I gave her one of my Ensure Healthy Mom shakes instead of plain milk. It's made for pregnant women with tons of calcium and iron etc, so I figured it would at least be something.

I gave it to her in a cup with a straw, and said "Here honey - try this! It's yummy! A chocolate shake!" She looked pretty suspicious, but took a few sips anyway (she trusts me!)

One sip... puzzled face. Two sips.... happy face. Three sips.... and out it comes...

"DADDY'S MILK!"

(Later that day)

Me: Joe, have you been giving the Twinkie chocolate milk?

Joe: Noooooooo....

Me: Really? Because when I gave her a chocolate shake today, she called it "Daddy's milk".

Joe: Uhhhh.....

(He's still denying this, but it seems pretty incriminating to me. He's claiming that Jaynie, the toddler, is "framing" him.)

On that same note... (lots of ..... dot dot dots...... in this post)

Today Madam is on the changing table, bitching and moaning about getting her diaper changed. I ask her to show me her foot, and we're off. She shows me her eyes, her nose, her ears, her cheek, her mouth.... then she sticks her finger WAAAAAAAAAY up her nose (I think the second knuckle disappeared for a second) and says...

... wait for it....

"DADDY'S NOSE!"

He really needs to watch himself. She is paying attention to EVERYTHING.

While I was typing that last one....

2005-08-09T08:45:00.000-07:00

She walked up to me, buck naked, with her diaper on her head.

Leavin' on a jet plane....

2005-08-09T08:03:00.000-07:00

Here is a good thing to know - when you are traveling alone with a toddler, and you look like you are having the least little bit of difficulty, 4,200 people will stop to help you. It probably helps if you look approx. 16 months pregnant. Seriously - I thought it would be a nightmare (just trying to carry my diaper bag, the carseat, and Jaynie through an airport... oy), but I never had to struggle. There was always someone taking the carseat away from me, helping me get it strapped down, helping me stow my bags, etc. The airline people moved us to the very front of the plane so I wouldn't have to fight my way down the aisle. Everything went a lot smoother and easier than I ever could've hoped or imagined.

Also - I was seriously resenting spending $200 on a ticket for Madam, but it was sooooooooooo worth it. Her having her own seat, strapped down, not in my lap, not squirming around trying to be free.... ahhhh. Heaven. She actually napped for her full 2 hours because she was in the seat and not being held down. dheygtzsdz (Sorry - walked away from the computer for a minute and Jaynie took the opportunity to add a little something to this entry. )

We had many adventures in Florida - she did many cute and wonderful things. As soon as she stops yelling at me, riding the cat, and making long distance calls on my phone I'll sit down and try to write some down.

This is me. This is me having a heart attack.

2005-07-16T15:16:00.000-07:00

So, I'm sitting here trying to update the website (Let this story be a lesson to all of you who have been harrassing me about it. Suz. ), and Jaynie is running around the house. She comes by, gives me a brief "tickle tickle tickle", then runs away laughing. I know how this game works. I chase her down, (very gently, of course) throw her to the ground, and start tickling/kissing her. I notice she has her romper unsnapped, and when I go to chomp a thigh I make a very alarming discovery.

She is not wearing a diaper.

You read that right. The kid is running around naked from the waist down. When I could breathe again, I asked her "Jaynie? Where is your diaper?" and she said, and I quote, "Poop."

This was where I nearly had a heart attack.

I got a new diaper on her, snapped her up, went and got Joe, and we began the search. After about 10 min. he found a very wet, but thankfully poop-free, diaper. She had thrown it over the baby gate we have up that keeps her away from the kitchen trash. Holy cow. If she wanted a dry diaper, all she had to do was ask for it. Now, if you all will excuse me, I need to duct-tape her outfit closed, and finish updating the site.

Miss Sympathy

2005-07-16T09:17:00.000-07:00

Last night Jaynie and I went to WalMart (an adventure in itself). While we were walking up and down the aisles we kept hearing a kid having an absolute nightmare of a fit. Every time he'd let out a yell Jaynie would look at me, and look around. We finally turn a corner and there they are - a very tired looking Mom with a screaming kid in the cart.

Screaming kid: "Waaaaaaaaaaah!"

Jaynie: (looking right into his face) "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

Now - if you think I'm saying that she started crying, too, you are wrong. What she was doing was mocking him. I know this because immediately after the "wah" she looked at me and cracked up. This one is never going to be a peer counselor.

Monkey Girl

2005-07-12T22:12:00.000-07:00

I've been calling the kid a monkey, but it occurs to me that she's really more like a baby Spiderman.

We had this house Jaynie-proofed. It was safe to leave her unattended in just about any room. Not that we left her alone a lot, but it was nice to occasionally go to the bathroom without an audience and not have to worry about what she was doing.

All that has changed, ever since she started moving around the house VERTICALLY.

She climbs anything and everything. She climbs the chairs to get on the dining room table. She climbs the bar stools to get on the kitchen counter. She climbs the futon to (attempt to) get on the windowsill where George is napping. Her greatest climbing feat, however, had to be the changing table.

She's in her room, Joe and I are in the dining room. I'm showing him the broken pieces of some cute little ceramic pots that she climbed up and destroyed earlier that day. I say to him "You should probably go see what she's up to right now - it's awfully quiet in there." and he says (naively) "She's in her room - she can't destroy anything."

A few minutes later he goes in and I hear "Jennifer? Why is her lotion on the floor?" Apparently, he found her squirting lotion onto her belly and rubbing it in (all the while, chanting "lotion! lotion!"), and assumed I had left it where she could reach. Well - I hadn't.

Me: "Ummmm... did she climb the changing table to get it?" (We keep lotions, ointments, wipes, etc on a little shelf that is mounted to the wall ABOVE the changing table. Seriously - it's got to be almost 6 feet off the ground - I have to reach up for stuff.)

Joe: (Makes some kind of disbelieving snort. He's so sure that I left it out and just forgot.)

So, we put the lotion back where it belongs, sit back, and watch. We watch our little monkey climb the freaking table like it's a ladder, then stand on the pad, reach up, get the lotion, and start to climb back down.

Nothing is safe. Nothing.

Belly Post

2005-07-10T08:29:00.000-07:00

As those of you lucky enough to have seen my most recent pics know, I am ginormous for a woman who is only about 3 months pregnant. Seriously huge. Noticably pregnant. I already have people asking me "Is it a boy or a girl?", touching my belly, and letting me cut the bathroom line. At 15 weeks pg. Amazing.

Last night I went out with my friend Stacey, and her friend Stacey who is visiting from Florida. Stacey sees me walking out to the car and says "My God, you are SO PREGNANT" and I'm like "I know, I know" and she's like "Look at that BELLY!" and I'm like "Yes, yes, I know" and Florida Stacey says "How far along are you... like 6 months?" and Stacey cracks up and I say "Ummm... 3 months." and Florida Stacey (looking absolutely stunned, I might add) says "Wow. I was being polite. I figured she was ready to drop.

Oh. My. God.

Me!

2005-07-10T08:26:00.000-07:00

When Joe gives Jaynie her bath, he uses the opportunity to teach her useful things like new signs, animal noises, how to count to ten, etc. When I give her the bath, I teach her that the correct answer to "Who's the prettiest girl?" is... "Me!"

Who can argue with that?

My Daughter, The Genius

2005-07-10T07:46:00.000-07:00

Joe was home for a four day weekend last week, thanks to the 4th of July. During these four days he changed every single poopy diaper we had the misfortune to encounter. (My nausea has gotten SO MUCH WORSE in the second trimester. I'm pretty sure that's not the way it's supposed to work. Blegh.)

Tuesday rolls around, and my secret weapon against stinky diapers has to go back to work. Approximately 5 minutes after he leaves, Jaynie comes up to me and says "Poop!" (which was really unnessasary, as my eyes started watering when she got within 3 feet of me). She then looks around (here comes the genius part!) and says "Daddy?"

That's right, folks. Daddy is officially in charge of poop around here. When he's home she'll go right to him. "Poop! Daddy!" Sometimes she'll bring him a clean diaper, to help him understand exactly what she's trying to communicate (again - like the smell isn't enough to alert us).

How wonderful is this kid? Pretty freaking wonderful. =)

Product Endorsement

2005-06-29T22:23:00.000-07:00

I know this blog is usually all Jaynie, all the time, but I want to take a moment and tell you all about some fab new products I have recently started using.

1st - the Mr. Clean MagicReach. It's wonderful. I can scrub every inch of my shower without actually being in it (I hate being trapped in there with the cleanser smell - although, I have to admit that this one has a nice orangey smell - so maybe it wouldn't be that bad.) I can scrub the floor without bending over (nice now, a must in a few months). My only beef is that the little scrubby pads you have to buy actually have the cleanser inside them. Doesn't sound so bad, but I thought this was just a tool and I'd be able to continue to buy whatever I had a coupon for or was on sale. Now I'm trapped getting these overpriced pads. Whatever - small price to pay if it means I actually clean my shower.

2nd - Barilla's new Pasta Plus. It's not made from your normal pasta ingredients. It's got ground up chickpeas and flaxseed and all kinds of stuff in it, so it has protein and fiber and omega-3's and all kinds of good things. I was hesitant to serve pasta made from ground legumes to the fam, but I just didn't mention it was any different and they both ate it no problem. I felt like those sneaky guys in the Foldger's commercials. "We've traded Joe's normal spaghetti for one made of beans! Let's see if he can tell the difference!"

That's all for now. As always, I'm a huge fan of Clorox wipes (a Mom's best friend!), but I was trying to focus on the new and innovative. Now, I'm off to take a shower in my sparkly, orange-scented stall. G'night!

Good Times

2005-06-29T22:17:00.000-07:00

Jaynie is working on two molars, and at least one canine. This makes her very cranky.

I am almost, but not quite, in my second trimester. The hormones are making me very cranky.

Joe is painting the outside of the house. He hates to paint. You guessed it - cranky. (This gets extra bonus cranky points because when he gets home from work he goes straight outside and paints until dark. Soooooo, after I've been wrestling with Miss Crankypants all freaking day, trying not to start crying or yelling myself, I get no help before dinner (so I can actually cook it), no help during dinner (so I can actually eat it), no help after dinner with the bath (so I can clean up after it), no help no help no help with the little monster. Whoops - I mean with the little love of my life. The one that spends all day yelling at me and throwing food and sitting on the cats. That one.

Life in the Moore house is nothing but fun right now! Everyone should come for a visit! You know you want to!

The Trouble With Toothbrushes

2005-06-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

First, I have to say that the word "toothbrushes" doesn't look right. Seems like it should be "teethbrush", or "toothbreesh", or something.

Anyway, here is the trouble with them - Jaynie is obsessed. Specifically, she is obsessed with mine. "Mommy Teef! Mommy Teef!" She wants my toothbrush, and she wants to run around and brush her teeth, and her ducks' teeth, and her dolls' teeth, and George's teeth, and her toes.... you get the picture.

The last time I got a new one, I joked with Joe that I would have to be careful and not let her see me use it. That way she'd still be happy with the old one. Wouldn't you know that I easily conned her into using "Mommy's toothbrush" for about a week until she saw me use the new one... then the old was no good. She'll push it away with the back of her hand and yell "ALL DONE!" if you try and give her any other than my (current!) brush.

Well - yesterday I got a new one. There was no joking this time - I planned to not get caught using it. Period.

So far I've used it once. Late last night after she was already asleep.

This morning she rejected my old one, and desperately pointed to the new. "Mommy Teef! Mommy Teef!" How does she do that?

Duh, Mom.

2005-06-28T08:17:00.000-07:00

A few minutes ago, I was walking behind Jaynie and I put my hand on the back of her head. My fingers came back sticky and covered with goo. *

Me: Jaynie! What is in your hair?!

Jaynie: (reaching up to touch her hair elastic) Bow. ** (In the most "no DUH" voice imaginable)

This one's going to be soooo much fun as a teenager.

*Jaynie gets a little carried away with her cereal in the morning. She digs in and eats for the first few minutes, but after she takes the edge off she likes to wear some of it.

** Anything that goes in the hair is a "bow". Whether it be an actual bow, a tiny rubber band, a baby "scrunchie", whatever. Similarly - anything that goes on her head is a "hat". Hats, headbands, underpants... the list goes on and on.

Disaster Averted

2005-06-28T08:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we went to a picnic. It was held in a pavillion, which means metal picnic tables on a concrete floor. (Funny - I never noticed how unsafe the world can be before I had a kid.)

Jaynie was climbing the bench of one of the tables (because that's what she does - she's a climber), and Joe and I were sitting there watching her like - "This can't be safe." So he moves over to sit right next to her, hands out in case she loses her balance.

The next thing I know my baby is falling the (what? 2 1/2 feet? seemed like at least 10 feet at the time) towards the concrete. She's falling straight back - she would've landed on her back and head. The look on her face is awful - such shock and fear. I am too far away (only a few feet, but it was happening so fast) to do anything.

Seriously - less than an inch away from the ground - her Dad catches her. I'm surprised he didn't scrape the back of his hand on the concrete - it was that close. Everyone around us broke into applause. I almost broke into tears. Jaynie started wailing and we could see that she bit her tongue (Joe swears she smacked her face on the bench on the way down, and that's when the bite happened. I didn't see a hit, and no red marks ever appeared - I think it was when he caught her. The world may never know.) A little ice and she was running around again.

If Grown-up-Jaynie is reading this, I just want you to know that no matter how difficult your Dad made your life as a teen (right now he seems to seriously believe he can keep you from dating till you're 30), he totally saved your bacon yesterday. So cut him some slack.

Soooo Opinionated

2005-06-26T16:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I dressed Jaynie in a dress with fish on it. She was not pleased. She kept pulling it up and saying "All Done!", and I kept telling her that no, she wasn't. She wanted to put her kitty pj's back on ("meow! meOW!"), but that wasn't going to happen.

About an hour later when I finally get dressed, I put on a sundress with flowers. She goes nuts sniffing (sign for "flower") and pointing. After a few minutes of this she starts sniffing then patting her own chest. Then she's sniffing, trying to say "flower", and smacking her chest. Then she's doing these things but also throwing in a few "ALL DONE!"s while pulling at the fish dress.

So I changed her into a sundress with flowers on it. Joe thought the whole thing was hysterical.

Today I'm asking her "What do you want to wear today?", and she starts sniffing. So I'm digging through her drawer and come up with this cute, but kind of silly-babyish, pink gingham sunsuit with a big flower on the front. I hold it up and ask "Do you want to wear this? It has a flower." and she gives me the most amazing, grow-up, look of disgust. It was the funniest thing. She's looking at it like a teenager looks at her dad in socks and sandals. "You want me to wear THAT?!"

She ended up in her turtle outfit, instead. I get the feeling I'm in for a bumpy ride with this one.

Fun With Water

2005-06-26T16:35:00.000-07:00

Jaynie and I got Joe a pressure cleaner for Father's day.

I was a little worried about this gift. It didn't have anything to do with Jaynie, or with being a father. It wasn't... fun. After my fabulous spa day gift for Mother's day, I was feeling the pressure to really come up with something good.

I don't know why I was worried. Joe set it up a couple hours ago and has not turned the hose off since. He started with my car, then did the sidewalk and porch steps, then the porch - who knows what he's cleaning now. He actually turned to me and said (in a total little kid excited on his birthday voice) "How have I gone this long without one of these things?!?"

Today I finally bought Jaynie a blow-up pool. I don't know what I've been waiting for. If she had the vocabulary, she would say the same thing her Dad did ("How have I survived without this?") She looooves it. It's shaped like an elephant, and if you plug your hose into it (that is, if you can wrestle the hose away from your overzealous pressure-cleaning father), water squirts out of the tail all over you. I had her in her polka-dot bikini, in the pool, out in the front yard. She was cracking the neighbors up.

We just got back from a vacation to Fort Walton Beach, FL. She had such a blast on the beach and at the pool - I knew I had to do something around here. The lawn sprinkler just wasn't cutting it.

Whoops

2005-06-26T16:30:00.000-07:00

I just realized that the last holiday I recorded in Jaynie's baby book was Halloween. That's right - it's nearly July and I haven't put down one word about Thanksgiving, Christmas, or her birthday. Nice. I'd better get on that while I can still vaguely remember the details. Good thing Joe marked the dates on our calander when she started crawling, walking, etc. I suck at this preserving memories thing. What's she gonna have when she grows up to look at? A blog about poop.

Oh My!

2005-06-05T08:56:00.000-07:00

My title choice reminds me of one of the cutest things Jaynie does. Joe taught it to her while giving her the bath. He says "Lions and tigers and bears!" and she says "Oh my!". It is freaking adorable.

This is not what this post is about. This is not going to be an adorable post. This is not going to be a story that makes you jealous and wish you were here with this kiddo. This is not going to make you want a little trouble-maker of your own. This will make you glad you live in another state....

This morning Jaynie woke up at about 6:20. I have a policy that strictly forbids rushing in to get her when she wakes up before 7am. I have found in the past that if I went straight in at 6:20, tomorrow she'd wake up at 6:10, the next day at 6, and so on and so forth. If I make her wait a bit, most of the time she falls back asleep. 6:20 is just too early for anyone to be getting up.

So she calls me a couple of times, then there's silence while she plays with her toys. Then she whines a little, then there's more silence. This goes on for about 30 minutes. I'm lying there thinking "Why doesn't she just go back to sleep?" Finally she starts crying a very sad, tired-sounding cry, and Joe gets up. I'm talking to her from the bed "Twinkie! Daddy's coming! Are you ready to get up?" And he's walking into the room. This is what I hear...

"Hey Twi....." GASP! "Jennifer! Get in here!"

I walk in to find a diaperless baby, and poop everywhere.

I won't go into detail here, let's just say it was hands-down the grossest thing EVER. The lack of diaper is still a mystery. She was wearing a one-piece romper to bed, and it was still snapped up, but her diaper was laying in the crib. Both tabs were still fastened,(Which was good, because the first thing Joe said was "Maybe you didn't fasten it good enough last night." Sheesh.) but one of them had come loose from the side, and I guess it just fell out the leg hole of her romper when she stood up? I don't know. All I know is that after losing the diaper she evidentally peed twice and pooped once. And then smeared it all over the freaking crib. Ooh, sorry, I said no details.

Two baths, a shower, and an entire Cloroxing of her room later, and life is back to normal. Well, as normal as it can be after seeing something like that. Eeeesh. Even though I personally scrubbed her feet with soap and water 3 times this morning, I'm having a real hard time kissing them today. Yuck yuck yuck.

Hug your already potty-trained kids extra tight today.

Disaster averted

2005-06-01T07:11:00.000-07:00

I've just come from changing a poopy diaper.* (Well - I threw it out and washed my hands first, but whatever - it was in the last 5 min.) I opened that sucker up and saw bright red, and almost had a heart attack. Omigod what is wrong with my baby is she bleeding something's the matter there's blood in her poop oh no what do I do what does this mean omigod omigod omigod.

Then I saw the blue and realized I was looking at the crayons she ate yesterday.

*I feel like my life didn't used to be so wrapped up in someone else's poop and pee and puke and snot, it's hard to remember clearly. Will it be like that again someday? When the only person's poop I have to worry about is my own? Hmmm. Hard to imagine.

Look Mom!

2005-05-30T18:58:00.000-07:00

Jaynie is so cute, pointing things out to me. She can't let a hat go by without commenting on it. She sees flowers and fish and kitties and doggies everywhere. She knows Kermit is a frog and when he comes on TV (he does "It's not easy, being green" on her video) she signs frog and ribbits for me. She points out babies, tells me when she hears a bird, and will point to any man in uniform and go "Daddy!" (She doesn't seem to actually think other uniformed men are her Dad, it's more like she's saying "Look, Mom, he has an outfit just like Daddy's!")

She loves to color. We have a big piece of cardboard out in the sunroom that I've drawn a duck, a fish, and a turtle on. She'll bring me a crayon and announce "Duck!" and I'll say "Are you going to color the duck?" and she'll take it back and run out there to do just that. That poor duck has been colored to within an inch of it's life.

Her new favorite thing to do is take her milk out of the fridge, have a drink, then put it back in and shut the door. She'll ask for it, take two sips, then announce "All done!" just so she can put it back. (Of course, she wants it again 3 seconds later.)

Ok, it's time to put this one to bed. Or as Jaynie likes to say... "Night night! Bee-bee!"

What a good eater!

2005-05-30T18:41:00.000-07:00

A couple of nights ago I roped Joe into taking us to the Golden Corral (Hey judgemental people! Shut it! I was wanting pot roast and banana pudding in the worst way, and short of turning back time to that morning and making some, the Corral was my only option.)

Joe strapped Jaynie into the highchair while I went up to the buffet to get food for the both of us. I got a plate for me, and an entire plate for her. Seriously - it was a lot of food. I didn't want to have to get back up 12 times if she wanted more or something different or whatever. I got her broccoli and carrots and beans and fish and pot roast and potatoes and cauliflower and cantelope and pinapple and cornbread. It was a grown-up's portion of food.

She ate it all.

People 4 tables away were asking us "How old is she? Wow - she's a good eater!" When Jaynie abandoned the cut-up broccoli I'd given her and grabbed a big stalk to gnaw on, I heard a little old lady half the room away start giggling.

When the banana pudding came out, I thought she was going to pass out from the sheer joy of it. Bananas! Cookies! Pudding! All in one bite? Genius!

When we got home and gave her the bath, we were both crying we were laughing so hard. Her little belly was sticking straight out like a pregnant woman's. We're talking 3rd trimester here. She was stuffed.